Living for yourself?

     I cannot tell you how many articles I have seen over my Mommydom life that tells us (mommies especially) that you need to put yourself first. Your needs, need to be met first. "If mommy ain't happy, no one is gonna be happy."  All of these statements have some reality to them. Especially when played on our human, fleshly beings. We want and desire so much. But, to be a parent first, is self sacrifice. To be a good human in this world is self sacrifice. To be a Christian, following Jesus' example of self sacrifice is essential. 

     The word self-sacrifice, does not bring up visons of luxury or even fun. It brings up thoughts of drudgery. 

     My family lived in an amazing place. A place where people had so much money that others that were very well off, felt disadvantaged. That is weird, I know. But, it's where we came from. But, with all of this wealth around us, sacrifice was a funny word. I'm sure it is everywhere. Or at least most places in the U.S.  We feel like we are being sacrificial if we bring groceries to the food pantry. We feel sacrificial if we say we are giving up an activity or item we desire. Although, why do we give it up? Not many that I knew gave up an activity or item and took the money from that and gave it to another. That is sacrifice for another. We have lost sight of that word in our world today, I'm afraid. 

     We have all read that Moses and Abraham all sacrificed lambs and goats on the alter to God. But, we are so removed from that world that we don't get it. Goats and lambs Equalled money to them. It was a big deal. Your most beautiful, strongest and best breeders of your herd was to be sacrificed.  That is the one goat that would help you produce many more healthy, strong goats; was to be sacrificed. 

     My family learned about tithing. As do many believers. And we try hard to practice it. In this world, it is very difficult. Although, I'm sure it was back in bible times too. But, sacrifice is more then tithing and lambs. It's about doing something that is hard. Giving until it hurts. 

     I remember having a guest speaker one time at church. We had been singing a song about being a living sacrifice. The pastor got up and said, "Wow.  Do you realize what you just sang? You know these are not just words? This was worship and prayer in singing form. You just told God to take your life and use it as a sacrifice. That you wanted to be a living sacrifice. These aren't just words. I hope you meant it. Because you just prayed it. And God wants to take you up on it."

     That shook me. I started thinking about that. Did I mean it? Come on, all of us Christians will say that we are being a living sacrifice. Or that we would. IF God asked us to. 

     But.... Do we really mean it. Do we really think God is going to call on little old me? I'm no body. I'm so unimportant. 

     Well, David was incredibly insignificant. A young Shepard boy. Nothing special. And Look what God called him to do. 

      Jesus was and is THE ultimate sacrifice. And we as Christians have heard this over and over. Even to the point of becoming numb to that phrase. Jesus wasn't JUST a sacrifice like the lamb on the alter. He lived his whole life as a LIVING SACRIFICE. That means that instead of staying close to home near his family and living a quiet life as a carpenter, he started his ministry. He gave up his worldly possessions, his family, his comfort, to travel the area preaching and loving the unloveable. Again, the phrase; loving the unlovable is a common one in churches. We love to think we love the unlovable. I mean we donate food to the pantry, we give money or food to the homeless guy on the corner. We donate our old clothes. We even make meals for our sick friends. But, Jesus gave up his whole life of family and comfort to be homeless. 

     Luke 9:58 says that, "Foxes have dens and birds have nests but, the son of man has no place to lay His head."

     He was homeless. Seriously. Dwell on that. 

     Where am I going with all of this? Well, I'm talking to myself mostly. I'm figuring out that the term "living sacrifice" is not a pretty, neat and tidy thing. It isn't even pleasant a lot of the time. I am figuring this out as God has called my family to be just that.... Living sacrifices. 

     We have given up our lives to be here with my grandma. I'm not talking about this to toot my horn. That defeats the purpose. I'm writing this, like I said, to work this out in my mind. And maybe my children. We are so far from being Jesus. We are not marching straight to a cross to be slaughtered like a goat on an alter. We are mere servants. We are selfish and grouchy and frustrated much of the time. Something I don't see Jesus being very often in the bible during his life with us thick headed people. We are called to do hard things. Things that are not always pleasant. I always thought I was making so many sacrifices. I cared for my husband and my kids. 

Matthew 5:43-48 says that just living and caring for my family and friends is nothing more then anyone else. 

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[i] and hate your enemy.’44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

But, giving up our life as we knew it to care for a grouchy, but lonely and needy old lady and live in a "foreign" land, give up money and comfort is huge for us. This was way more then we had ever done. Of course we love Grandma. But she can be very unlovable. I know tht is unkind to say that but, I'm being honest. And I don't mean because she has dementia. She has always been a bit..... Unlovable. 

John 15:13 says:

13 There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

Jesus cared for so many types of people. By giving up what we have always known to help Grandma stay in her home where she is comfortable and feels safe, is a huge sacrifice. We are truly living as a sacrifice. This is our mission. It may not be South America or Africa,but it's also not for a short trip. It's our life.  Our whole life. We aren't sleeping on the ground. We aren't eating honey out of a log. But, we are eating strange foods, living in strange surroundings. Not having a future plan. Living in today. That is the most terrifying. Living in today. Not having a retirement plan, no college fund for the kids, not much in the savings account even. Irresponsible? Probably. According to the world we are totally doing everything wrong. But, according to the bible we are not to worry about tomorrow. 

     Now, the question is; how long can we do this for?

Not sure. 

The Monster Frogs Little Friend

The Fish Pond.

     This is just one "fun" day in our life. I thought I'd share, since our lives are so different then they used to be. 

     My husband decided it was time to clean out Grandma's pond. Now the pond is man-made (actually Grandaddy made). It is about 30 x 6 feet and about 18 inches deep. There is a thick black plastic liner on the bottom. It has sharp rocks around the edge as decorations as well as to hold the liner. It is FULL of fish. Like goldfish. Only mostly red and white. Most are about a couple of inches long.  It has enormous lily pad plants as well. 

     We don't know when the last time it was dumped completely but, it was so green it was almost black. There is also frogs. We figured a few small frogs. 

     So, my husband rents a HUGE trash pump ( the smaller one didn't cut it. Too much mud and gunk). In went the pump hose and the water starts squirting out on the lawn. Once it gets down a bit I worry that the fish need to be gotten out faster then my 6 year old with small fish net can manage. (Like for your fish bowl). So I kick off my shoes, take my iPhone out of my pocket and step into the mucky dark water to help grab fish. At the third step,.... Yep, you guessed it, I went down. My feet slipped right out from under me (who could have seen that coming?? Plastic bottom with mud and muck and fish poop covering it??) So, there I go, BAM. On my back, feet in the air, laying in fish poop!! OK. Go ahead and laugh. 

     Once I assessed that all of my body parts were OK, I laughed too. That's when I hear Grandma. We had set a chair out so she could watch us clean out the pond. I can hear her cackling like a bird. She is laughing so hard she can hardly catch her breath. Such compassion.  Well,  glad I could be the comic relief for the day! 

     Well, we grab fish by the handfuls. Although, we probably only save half. The strong suction of the pump pulled the other half out to the lawn. As my husband and I are more then ankle deep in this black water, he says, "I felt something big brumped against my leg." 

STOP!

I grew up at the ocean. Someone says that, it's out of the water quick!! 

I am so outta here!! Darling husband holds my hand to steady me so I don't slip again. I did slip and cut my foot on a rock but, he kept me from falling down again. 

     Husband stayed in the water (he had on waders) and continued to clean out the end of the pump hose and catch fish. 

     That's when he saw it! Something big. We all agreed it had to be a frog. We'd seen a few frogs already, decent sized ones. And we knew there were some that lived in there. We heard them all the time. And heard the splashes whenever we came near. But, this was no ordinary frog. It was black. And after we (husband) finally cornered it (let me say right here, he wasn't even excited about touching this thing. It was that big. he said it had spikes on its feet!) he made a grab for the frog .... OH MY GOODNESS!! It was HUGE. I mean like the pictures in fairy tales, huge!  

It was as big as a cantaloupe. And I don't mean the mini ones. It took two hands and some strength to get that thing. Ends up, there were two of them that huge. Really. Two Jurrasic Park sized frogs. I'm so glad I got out of that water! 

     The rest of the pond cleaning went on without a hitch. We stationed children near the bucket so the frogs wouldn't jump away. And husband scrubbed the bottom and shoveled out mounds of mud and fish poop. 

     The pond got refilled and the fish and frogs went back in the water. 

     That night at dinner we were talking about it all. (I had taken a shower and cjanged my clothes.) Grandma couldn't remember that we had dumped the pond. She couldn't remember the frogs or anything. Then my husband says, "Do you remember Heather falling in the muck?"

     Well, she started laughing. Silent chuckles at first. Then reall hearty laughing. Her whole body was shaking with laughter. "Yep. I remember that!"  

Well, glad to help jog your memory. 

     I do have a bit of wisdom, albeit sad wisdom from that experience. When you are 20 and you fall like that, you get up and laugh. When your 40 and fall like that, you fall, lay there a minute to take stock. Then you get up and laugh. But, wow, are you sore the next day!!

     The next day at church someone asked if I was OK. I guess I winced a bit when I sat down. So I told them what happened (grandma laughed ll over again). And I even said that about being 20 and 40. Well, we go into the older couples room for Sundy School class. These people are quite a bit older then my husband and I. Well, one older lady  says, "Well and when your 60 and fall your probably going to break a hip!" 

     That's when an even older man spoke up next to her and said, "And when your 80, after you fall you look around and wonder, "Where am I?"

     So much to look forward to. That's it. A day in our life here.  I mean why should Grandma be the only one laughing at me, right?? 

     If you ever need you fish pond cleaned out, please don't call me. I am still wincing a bit and had to see the chiropractor. 

Update from our move.

     So, we've been here in the heart of Tennessee for 4 months. It's September now and the trees are slowly starting to show color changes. The mornings have fog and the grass is covered in a thick dew. The days are still quite warm though. Can get up to the 90's. 

     We are all learning to adapt and change since we've been here. With school starting we are really trying to get back to routines. I like more routine as long as I'm not having to go to a bunch of different places all the time. 

     My oldest is working hard to learn and understand advanced algebra and study for his first college test with College Plus. He's started an internship at the local radio station. They have now hired him to work the board during the football games on the weekends. 

He's also helping with goat milking and care each day, as well as, upkeep of the property. That means lawn mowing, bush trimming, and so much more. 

     My second, is doing well with school this year so far. But, of course he has an easier year. We haven't gotten his writing program yet so he has a little shorter day then he will normally. We've decided that he will study some farm things for science. Things like goats digestive systems and the best things to help them stay happy and healthy. To keep the 4 stomachs healthy is a balancing act. He's also going to learn about organic farming and what that involves. 

     He also, is caring for our goats and the yards. When you ask him his favorite part about moving here, he says the goats. 

     My youngest son started lessons with math, spelling, science, reading, and whatever else we decide. He also loves workbooks. He is really getting proud of himself with his reading but, is hard on himself about spelling. He spends much time running barefoot, everywhere. Climbing trees, trying to get the goats to let him ride on their backs like a horse, watching the bigger guys milk the goats and trying to talk dad into letting him ride on any tractor my husband happened to be using. 

     And then little girl, she is like a butterfly, flitting here and there. She loves workbooks. So, I have a bunch for her to go through as she likes. She also sits in on the science and reading. She will also, draw, color, run, play and whatever else suits her for the moment. Her and Great-Grandma color together often. Thu will sit at the kitchen table and color for the longest time. She is also barefoot most of the time and is following the big guys to the barn. She wants them to let her milk!!

     Husband is trying to figure out how all this is going to work. Creating a job and with it am income. He is spending much time with the big boys working in the yards and helping with the goats. (The goats are a family affair. We all have something that we do with and for the goats. There is much to do. From brushing, feeding, scooping poop, cleaning out stalls and water buckets all the milking and storing the milk. 

     Me.  I am learning to do many new things as well as balance and care for each of the people in this house. We were a busy family before with 6 of us but, adding Grandma is like adding a very large kid that needs full time care and watching. With the 6 of us around we all can help some. But, I am with her pretty much 24/7. Or at least am completely aware of where she is And what she is doing at all times. Yes even at night. So grandma is a new task. I also spend quite a bit of time cleaning. Cleaning clothes, cleaning dishes (no dishwasher), cleaning and sanitizing jars for milk, washing the dog (yes he's new). Also, training the new puppy. Making cheese, Keiffer, and soap. Don't forget 3 full meals a day for 7 people. After all of that; I'm teaching the kids, helping my husband with goat care (adding supplements, etc.), I can and do milk when the need arises. I also, have to come up with ideas to keep grandma happy, and content. She has lost so many abilities. She can no longer do puzzles or think through things like she used to. Movies don't keep her attention. To give her a task is much like finding something for my 4 year old to help with. She isn't capable of so many things. Even laundry (which is her huge obsession) is so difficult for her. Yet she doesn't know it. She will put anything in the machine. Stuff it full. Throw in rags with bleach on them with dress shirts. She will fold dirty clothes off of the floor. She will check on the dryer 20 times to see if the clothes are dry. She can't understand why half a bottle of laundry soap would be a Problem.  (I now make our laundry soap because of the expense). 

     To say our life is different is almost absurd.  Our life looks so different. And feels it even more. There are good days and bad days. There are so many days we think, "what have we done?!"  We have given up our whole life to come here. To do this.  What are we doing here? Well, were caring for a crazy old lady (and I say that knowing perfectly well that I will probably be just as bad), following God's prompting to come here and love her, take care of her and her property. To encourage her at the last part of her life to embrace what God has for her. We moved here to learn and teach out kids about things we could never have done in the OC, on the beach. We're all learning farm life. Learning how to keep going even when times get really uncomfortable or unhappy. We are all learning to let God lead us and listen for which direction he has for our life. We are learning what the word sacrifice really means. When we sing or read about being a living sacrifice, it is terribly uncomfortable and inconvenient. We are supposed to serve others even when it is not fun, even when you want to just yell and walk away. When the world would say you've tried hard enough, you've done more then anyone else would have; that we have to try more and harder. Being a believer is SO crazy hard sometimes. Being a follower is even harder. To follow him and HIS ways when it feels like HE has forgotten you, is at times, almost unbearable. But, you know what? HE stretches you. HE makes me be able to withstand more then I ever thought I could or want to. 

     So the update is we are doing OK. We can always use prayer. We have some interesting business opportunities and would love much prayer in that area as well as, pray for Grandma. That she will find joy and peace each day. 

     God is good all the time. 

The Real Me?

     My reaction when someone I know or don't know makes a statement as to who they think I am, or how I am, always seems to throw me for a loop. Even if it is a positive statement. Although, many times if something gets back to you through a gossip mill it is not as often flattering as it is unflattering.
I will stop and take pause when I hear one of these statements. And they can come from strangers, friends, co-workers, the checkout lady at your favorite store, or even family members (near or far). We all make judgements about people. We base them on many different things. We base them on a one time event that won't leave our mind or offended us. Or we will base these beliefs on something someone once said about that person. HA Maybe even on the way their dressed one time or all the time. Maybe on how often they mow their lawn, or shave their legs. Seriously, we make a decision on a persons whole being on the strangest things. True, it is a small portion of who they are sometimes. I mean if someone is mowing their lawn 2 times a week they are a conscientious person or maybe you see it as overboard.
     Why do I become shocked by others reactions to me? Well, when it is what I believe to be erroneous, it can be hurtful and frustrating. I mean, come on, I'm putting my best foot forward here. How could you see anything but, that? Am I right!? That brings me to an interesting point, masks, persona's, what we show to the rest of the world. What we show is not the whole truth. We show what we want others to see. Like a Chameleon. We show the colors we want to show to those we are with. To my girlfriends, I might show a fun loving, silly person that loves to hang out. To my church and those around me, I might show my best face. Proper, polite, etc. To my homeschool group I might show confidence and strength, resolution and leadership qualities. To my co-op group I might show how busy and frazzled I am so they don't ask me for too much. To family; well, that is a whole other ball of wax. To my kids I show ability, strength, security, servant hood, etc. And extended family all get something different based on who they are and who they talk to or how often we see them.
     In school, I was very shy. By the time I got to high school, I was extremely self conscious and uncomfortable in my own skin (because you know at 110 pounds I was pretty heavy. sarcasm). So, I dressed nice; skirts and nice shoes, even heels. I stood as straight as I could remember to stand (because my mom had told me a million and one times that I slouched) and looked straight ahead (years of practicing walking with books on my head for said slouching). And yet, still very quiet for the most part. At least that is what most of the boys saw and those I didn't know, upper class man, etc. I heard through the rumor mill that boys called me the Ice Queen. Beautiful and cold. That was what THEY said. Not me. Wow. That was hard to take. But, my quietness wasn't a snub but, a defense mechanism. High school boys don't get that.  Now I was different with my girlfriends. Loud, and laughing a lot. Making jokes and eating real food. OK truth, I was even known to allow a belch or two to escape my lips. (I was really good at it. Embarrassing to say that now but, it is true. My teenage boys can be quite impressed at times. Yes, a true talent! SSSHHHH!) Ice Queen to Belch Queen. Come on. Which one was I? What was anyone to think if I never showed my whole self?
     I recently had someone tell me that they knew someone that thought I was a saint. I was so good, never did anything wrong. HUH? Really? O.K. I don't drink, I don't smoke, ( Goody, goody two shoes. ) I don't sleep around, I dress modestly, but, saint I am far from. And I don't think myself as one either. What makes someone a saint in one persons eyes makes that same person, pious and self righteous in anothers. And I've had others say that. But, these are people that don't KNOW me. In fact I either have not met them or haven't seen them in years. They are hearing from others what they want to pick out to hear. Or they already have an opinion and are putting on those opinion of me glasses while I speak to them.
     Opinion glasses? You have those. The not rose colored glasses but, the anticipation of how or what someone will say about something before they say it. Whenever I have had to speak in front of a group of people or do an interview for something I literally pray before I go that God will put rose colored glasses on the person or persons I am speaking with. That they will see me in a favorable light. I don't know if that is biblical but, I know that the devil does the opposite. Whisper wickedness in peoples ears about others, so God may as well speak the good.
     Am I saying that we need to remove our masks and let it all hang out with everyone in every situation? No. Please no. Please keep on your mask for certain things and share that with only special people. You don't need me to burp the ABC's in church. And I don't want to smell you, the real you. But, maybe we need to all be more generous with our assessments of each other. Realize that we are all people with faults and gifts and talents and habits. We all have strengths and weaknesses.
     Also, think about what you are showing others. Are you showing the "bad girl image" or the scared little girl? Are you showing your victim ways so that others will take care of you or pay attention to you? Well, is that really all you are? Where is the strength you have in Jesus? On the opposite side of the coin, do you always show the all put together mask? The one that tells people you have it all together and never need help or a hug? Are you that person? Where is your humility in Jesus? In our weakness He will be made strong. We all know that neither of these masks are the whole truth. Let's all show a little compassion when making judgements on others and know that what you see and what is there in front of you, is not the whole story.
     And for those people that think I'm perfect or self righteous or even have it all together: give me some grace. Burping is not the worst thing I have done or will do. It's just the most startling in this moment, not in life. I have never lived in your shoes and you have not lived mine. Both of us have our defenses up and our masks on. As is society. Don't listen to others about who I am. Ask me. Or talk to me. Or at least talk to more then one person about me.
     And if you pass me in the parking lot somewhere and my hair is in it's typical ponytail and I have wrinkled clothes and a bit of (hopefully) mud on my leg and the mascara is running a bit under my eyes- be kind with your thoughts. I may have just been milking goats, or dancing wildly with my 4 year old daughter in the garden.  I will try to be as kind to you if I see you in similar attire.

I'm No Moses

     Have you ever stopped and wondered how lonely Moses must have been? Or Abraham? What about Esther? Do you think Ruth ever stopped and thought, "What am I doing?! I could be at my parents house right now, eating goat and laughing with my mama. Why am I following this crazy old woman??"

     I read a post by my sweet cousin today. She is a missionary in Nicaragua with her husband and is pregnant with her first sweet baby. http://loveinleon.blogspot.com/2013/06/psalm-139-9-10.html?m=0 ( sorry I'm on my phone version and can't make that look prettier. No Internet for the computer yet). 

     OK. Tell the truth. You just went "oh my!" All of the lonely feelings and fear and emotions you felt when you were pregnant came flooding into your memory. Now you put yourself in a foreign country. Scary huh? And when I read her blog today, my heart aches for her. It is so scary to be pregnant. No matter how much you want to be. But, that is so true of many things in life. 

      God leads us to what he has made us to do at the time that he needs us to do them. We don't get to plan things the way we thing they would be perfect. We don't get to stockpile mounds of money. Or have it be the perfect timing in our eyes. It's all Gods timing and his plans. As a Christian I know that. And can somewhat accept that. As a human? No way! I want to shout somedays, "God, are you paying attention? Why now? Why me? Why can't you check off some of my to do list and needs and desires before I have to do that?" I want to shout, "God, I'm scared. I'm not equipped. No one will believe me. No one will help. I'm alone God. Why?? Why can't you make this easier? Why does it have to be so painful? Why does it have to be so scary?" 

     Funny though, HE's heard all of this a gagillion times. (Yes, that's a number! I think.). 

     Moses said send Someone else. (Exodus 4:13 I've said this before). Abraham said I'm too old. (Genesis 18:11) Sarah just laughed (Genesis 18:12) Esther said why me? (Esther 4:11) The list goes on. God picks those he can use and that bring glory to him. He chose David to kill Goliath (1 Samuel 17; 21:9) so that it would be an amazing feat. A boy kill a giant? Really? We're still talking about it. A young orphan girl saves her outcast, exiled people?(Esther) An old man and lady become mother and father of a nation?(Abraham) There are so many underdog stories in the bible. And they're great. 

But, when we are the underdog, .... It doesn't feel so great. It feels terrifying. Lonely. Too hard. Impossible. Being a child of God isn't always easy. In fact we're guaranteed trials because of being His child. 

     My family moved to a new state. Very far away from where we all grew up and knew everything. Even though we didn't like everything where we lived before, we knew where things were. We knew people. We had our foods that we knew and liked. We knew where places were. 

This new place feels like a foreign country. The people talk with accents and they have words we don't understand. They have customs we don't understand and some we really don't like. (I'm being honest). The food isn't what we are used to and like. Not everyone is glad we are here. 

     We moved here because we had been lead to move here for several years by God's prompting. Those who think that is a crazy statement, may as well stop reading now. It gets deeper. 

When ever we used logic or talked about not going God would do things to get our attention. Some tried to put roadblocks in front of us. Some told us we were crazy. WE said it was crazy. We pleaded with God for other answers. For better scenarios. For different scenarios. But, the reality is that God has a purpose for us and being here in this house, with this lovely, crazy old lady, in this strange town, with strange food, is where we are supposed to be. 

     My husband had a business. A good business. With his family. We had his family near us. We had an ocean view. We had friends. We had familiarity. We had a homeschool group. We had classes we could go to. We had stores we knew and liked. Natural foods, etc were plentiful and easy to get. We had awesome doctors. We had the beach. A church we loved. Wonderful weather, I better not keep going. 

     Now we are in a new land. We are learning new customs. And we are trying to figure out how to do everything in a new way. 

     Why? Some think its to gain material things. That isn't even really possible. And we have given up so many material possessions we have come somewhat, to the opinion that its all just things,and  stuff anyway. 

      Some believe that we were in financial crisis and that's why we're here. That we couldn't care for ourselves anymore. That one is interesting because, we have been in financial crisis, but we were on the recover. We waited on God to pull us through it. Besides we had more predictability with our finances there then we do here. 

     Some just think we are crazy. Maybe they are right. 

     Here is the real story. We have always dreamed of living on a farm. Raising our own food, open spaces, etc.,  etc. 

We love my grandma. We weren't happy with all of the ways that California was going in becoming one of the biggest nanny states. We hated the way we felt like we were always looking over our shoulder to see if someone was taking offense at how we raise our children, etc. 

It was getting more difficult each year to do business in California and make a profit. California is not friendly to the small business owner. We missed having more family around. Family our kids age. Those are all true statements. But, we also had so much we loved where we were. Like I stated above; the beach, family, friends, familiar foods, stores, places, doctors, weather, homeschool, etc. 

All of that aside; we moved because God prompted us. Grandma, has been diagnosed with dementia. She is getting worse. She lives on a big old farm. With space around her. A big house that was empty most of the time. She wasn't even able to sleep at home. All of our family that lives close to her works. And many live too far to help. 

     I'm not sure why God expected us to be the ones to give up our life and care for her but, he did. So we did. It is a ministry. God wants us to be here for this woman who has tried to be a godly woman her whole life. Who has served others, cared for others. Our mission is to be here for her. Love her. Fill the last part of her life with as much joy and peace as we can. In the mean time we get to teach our children what God means about sacrifice. We don't burn goats and sheep anymore. But we are supposed to sacrifice things that are much more difficult. Ourselves. Our comforts. This is a sacrifice. But it's also, such a blessing. I don't know if we'll live here in the south for the rest if our lives or not. I do know that we live here now. And we are supposed to squeeze all of the life out of being here that we can. 

     Am I ruining my children? Many would say it isn't fair to sacrifice your children's childhood (I believe is the way it was told to me by someone) to do something like this. But, we made this decision as a family. They wanted to come before my husband and I did. And how is teaching them by example about God's love bad? They are participating in daily life with Grandma. Her ability to teach them anything is quickly disappearing. But their ability to love her and learn how to care for another above themselves? That is priceless. All Christian parents talk about doing selfless things to teach and share with their kids. God has brought us here to do it. This is life. Right now. It is messy. It is unorganized much of the time. But, to see my Grandma light up to play a game with my two youngest. Or take my older two boys hand to walk across the grass, that is what this about. Her life. Right now. My kids do and will have childhood experiences. But, they will know that somedays Grandma is having a bad day. People all around us everyday have bad days. We need to be extra kind and aware of others around ourselves everyday. How is it that children are supposed to be given all of these "advantages" in toys, places to go, things to do, all geared to a wonderful childhood then suddenly grow up and be giving and self sacrificial? We need to teach by example. 

      My Grandma was the last to sit down at the table. She was the first to get up. She washed dishes, clothes, floors, walls, toilets, sinks, garages, and anything else she could reach. She grew food and canned them and preserved them and fed her family and anyone else that would come to a meal. Many have opinions as to why she was that way. Mine? She knew how to serve others above herself. Don't misunderstand me, no one is a saint. Not even Grandma (family is laughing and nodding) but, each of us cousins had a place to go and be a child. Be fed incredible food. Stay in an impeccably clean home. Run. We would run. All the while I never heard her list all that she had done that day. She did it silently. Everyday. I'm not good at that one. I may do many things during the day, but I want to tell you all I got accomplished. Sorry Grandma. I didn't learn that one. 

     I truly want to be a servant to God. I truly want to raise my children in his favor and his service. I truly want to do His will and graciously take the blessings HE wants to pour out on my family. I have to remember HIS idea of a blessing and my idea of a blessing are surely different sometimes. 

     HE is a good God. HE is a just God. HE is a living Father. HE wants what's best for me and my children. 

     Unfortunately, sometimes, many times, HIS path is lonely. When God is making a David or an Esther, HE doesn't always give them a buddy to do it with. HE wants the glory. Not the buddy not the servant. In our weakness HE is made great. 

     So please, if someone you know does something really counter culture and weird with their lives, try not to judge them by saying that they are being irresponsible. It looks and is irresponsible to the world and society to do many of what God wants. Tithing most of the time in today's world is irresponsible, having too many children, is irresponsible (even though God says all children are blessings), talking to and helping a homeless man is many times scary and irresponsible, moving to a third world country and having a baby there seems irresponsible, giving away most of your possessions and moving into an old lady's cluttered home, going to her church, and living where we know very little seems irresponsible. But, listening to a burning bush and trying to lead a people that only partially wanted you there(Moses) seems irresponsible, spending several years building an enormous boat many, many miles from any body of water(Noah) seems irresponsible, a young boy(David) fighting a giant is hugely irresponsible, marching around a secure city(Jericho) several times a day screaming is irresponsible and crazy, a young orphan girl that suddenly becomes queen throwing away her new found comforts and  her life possibly, to walk into the kings throne room uninvited to her possible death to save a people that saw her as nobody-is irresponsible. However, God knows what HE is doing. We will continue to follow HIS path for our family even though it is lonely. Even though others talk behind our back or worse to our face about how crazy and irresponsible we are being, we will love on Grandma and raise our children in this new life. This new adventure. 

       For the record, we aren't great, awesome, holy people. We are just a couple of people trying yo follow a God that has crazy plans. And hey, when was the last time you did anything "irresponsible" for God? Maybe you should try it. There is a since of freedom in the following HIM instead of controlling all that happens in our lives. 

     Remember what David said, "I will become even more in dignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes."

2 Samuel 6:22

How irresponsible was it to take several years to build a enormous boat many miles from any body of water?!

Slowly

     To say that things in the south move slowly is a statement most take lightly. It is a true statement though. People talk much slower, eat slower, move slower. (Not all drive slower). There is truly a laid back approach to most things. And it will get done, when it gets done mentality. (Hawaii and its Aloha attitude has nothing on the south).  

     My family comes from a faster paced place. Orange County, CA. Not much is done slowly. In fact as a waitress or a service provider in Orange County, that was the biggest way to make someone angry- take your time. Everybody was on a time schedule. You plot out your day and stick to it. Here, I'm sure they have schedules but, to have a service done, expect it to take awhile. 

     I Called the appliance repairman to check the fridge. I got a call back saying that the man would be there right away. He was in our area. 2 1/2 hours later was their idea of right away. Nice man. Owned the company. But not in a hurry. Told me how long he'd been coming to Grandmas house fixing things. Also, how long he'd been in the business. His high school career, etc. 

     People are friendly here. They actually want to talk. They listen after they say, how y'all doin'? To see what your answer is. Stumps me a bit. I'm uses to people asking that question and moving on to the next subject. Another era want to hear how your day is going. Or how your mama was making a dish and how it turned out. They may even tell you to bring it to the next church pot luck. People here like to talk. Although, slowly. 

     Right after we got here to the South, I called several TV and Internet providers. Let me say I am in what they call the rural area. Just means I'm 6 minutes from town. I finally decide on the local cable monopoly-company and get a day and time they can be out here-.... A week later. Um. Ok. 

     The man comes, says;" I have good news an bad news. Which do you want?"

     Well. Both. 

     "We located the "dog house" and surprisingly that was easy to locate. But,...(long drawl) there isn't any power to it "..... Pause. Pause. Pause. 

" I'll put a call in for you and tell them what is going on. But, I'm from (some town an hour away) so I'm not sure if they'll call me back out or not."

Pause. Pause. Pause. 

     Me:"OK. So what does that mean to me? Is cable and Internet possible?"

     "Well, that's hard to say. " pause. Pause. Pause. 

     "Maybe they can get someone out here and get it taken care of in a couple of days. Maybe this afternoon. People don't move very quick around here ma'am. I'm from Las Vegas myself. They are a bit slow moving out here. "

     I'm now thinking that he's adapted well. 

     Me:"So, I will call and get an updte on what needs to be done and an estimated time of when it can be done. Sound good?"

     "Well, no. There is no reason for you to call. I'll call it in. Not sure if they'll send me back out though. Comcast is going through changes on services blah, blah, blah, blah, (sorry I spaced out during the history and workings of Comcast and how they work in the south). So we'll be in touch with you ma'am. Ok?"  

     Ok. 

      In the next couple of weeks we had utility people show up, cherry picker trucks show up, even people digging up the yard to lay cable. No one came to the door. No one called. Nothing. 

     I waited patiently. 

     3 weeks now and nothing is happening. So I call to check on our progress. 

     "Ma'am? Your order has been canceled because it went beyond our service time period."

????????????

     New guy shows up and spends several hours here in the humidity and heat. Finally says that he doesn't have the right tool with him. The only one we have in the company is over an hour away. They set me up for Saturday between 3 and 5 pm. 

      It's now been a total of 5 weeks with no cable or Internet. We're not going to die. But really, it's a bit crazy. Especially considering how much caffeinated, carbonated, sugary beverages these men have come out here drinking. They should be moving like their butts are on fire. 

     Me:"If you would like there is cold  water bottles in the garage fridge. Help yourself."

     "Oh thanks ma'am, but I've got Mountain Dew/Sun Drop/Dr. Pepper in the truck. "

     So the conclusion I am coming to is, thing just move slowly here. We need to go with it. But, I'm also thinking, man, if we can get a business together that all we are is quick and efficient, maybe we'll have a shot. Whew. I will say that the humidity and heat make you move a bit slower. And living with Grandma, our pace has slowed tremendously. We swing on the big wooden swing, several times a day instead of completing all of my chores first. We stop in the middle of the day to enjoy an ice cream sandwich. 

I guess we'll get used to it eventually. The good thing is, we don't hear any bad news much anymore. With no TV I don't have the patience to sit through the news on the local radio station. I would but it's squeezed between the "radio Shopper", classifieds (yes, they do the classifieds on the radio. People call in and say, "I have a ride I lawn mower for sale. My number is-------.") and the obituaries. Oh they also, announce all of the arrests overnight. Really, what you are charged with, the full name and the town they live in. That is a deterrent you'd think. Walk into you job and everyone would be looking at you. Busted!!

     So maybe no bad news means good news. Right? 

     I'll be waiting on the cable guy, I reckon on Saturday. Or maybe I'll just see if my husband wants to get the tool and do the work so all they have to do is hook up the equipment. 

      Well, just let me know if I miss anything good. And y'all come by and sit a spell, ya hear?!

Be Still.

     When I had nursing babies, one of the hardest lessons I had to learn was to stop, and be still. Dwell on and enjoy the moments in life. I know that sounds so simplistic. Also, cliche. But it's true.

      It wasn't really any easier of a lesson with the last two babies then it was with the first. I know, I should have been an expert by baby number 4 but, truthfully it was harder because I had other children and responsibilities by then. 

     One day I was complaining to my husband that all I do is sit here all day in a chair like a milk cow. (So I was a bit dramatic. Allow for hormones, would ya?) 

He snickered and said, "We'll, it is kinda like you are one." 

He was kidding, the humor was lost on me. 

Then he said, "Enjoy it. This is God's way of making you slow down long enough to breath in the smell our baby, watch the breeze blow the leaves, enjoy the stillness and all that God has created." 

     He was being so very real and deep. I just wanted to complain and whine. I'm being honest. But, he was right. I knew it. And with each baby I relearned how to be still. I learned to just BE in the moments in life. As the scripture says, "Be still, and know that I am God,..." Psalm 46:10

     The first baby was the easiest. There were no distractions. Him and me. 

     Baby number two? It was harder because he was sick. But, still a super lesson for me because amongst all of the hospital muck and rules, and proceedires, etc. it was hard to find the peace of a moment with my baby. The ones I had were savored like dripping butter and salt on hot summer corn. 

     Baby three was a lesson in patience and waiting. I was on bed rest before he was even born. 6 months of being still. 

By the time this little guy was born, I was an expert at being still. (Not really). When this one was born it had been 6 years since I had a nursing baby. Again I struggled with trying to revel in the moment. 

     By the time baby 4 was born, I was feeling pretty cocky about knowing it all. HA! God threw me a curve ball. It was a girl and I had to learn all over again, how to diaper, hair bows, and all that goes with a girl. I had started to embrace the being still part but, that was probably more exhaustion then applied learning. With an 11year old, 8year old and a 2 year old with a newborn I was exhausted. Did I mention that I homeschool? 

     The pattern of learning to be still has continued through my life. I obviously must have a problem with patience and slowing down. I really thought maybe it was just me. I'd read articles about moms needing to slow down and people needing to take time out to eat with their family or spend more quantity of time with their kids. I came to the thought that it wasn't just me. 

     Several years have past since my last little one was born ( almost 5 to be exact). I really thought my husband and I had this slowing of our pace down. We do everything the experts say to do and more. We eat all meals with our kids. We homeschool so we are around them more then most. We do chores together, and play together, spend time at home. We would even sit on the beach once a week during the summer all day! What's more peaceful and slow then that?! We were quite counterculture. Granted we were living in a very fast town. In a culture that believes that every minute should count.people around us has their  kids in all kinds of wonderful activities. School, soccer, karate, play dates, computer classes, all kinds. Good stuff but so busy all the time. How many times I heard people say that they'd love to do this or that but, that they were too busy. When I hear that, I think of that verse again. "Be still and know that I am God." 

I think we are missing the point. We fill our lives with so much. Most of it truly are good things. Just too much. 

     I'm not nursing any babies and haven't for several years. I find myself following Gods lead and end up living with my Grandma, on her farm, in the middle of the south.  She's 88. She's been diagnosed with dementia. Sad to watch her struggle with the same questions over and over. Terrible to watch her live out the same angry moments in her life again and again. Guess what God is teaching me after all these years? "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

Grandma's favorite thing to do is to sit on her big wooden swing and rock and watch the birds. Watch the leaves blow in the trees. Look at flowers. 

     How hard do you think it is for me, with 4 kids, in a new state, with so much to do, to stop my whole day or chore I'm doing, to swing? Swing, count the birds, name all the ones she knows, and tell me all of thing she wants done (for the 411th time today). But, I just am amazed at what I heard God say today. "Just BE, enjoy the moment, breath in the air, smell the flowers, watch the leaves blow. Just be still."  

     I seem to see a pattern. 

     But, really I thi k it's time at 41 to listen and really try to do what god has been trying to tell me all along. That is that life moves much to fast when you are busy. There are so many things to do but, they will still be there tomorrow-or not. But this moment, this second, it will never be here again. Make it a memory. Make it a special moment in time. Make it the point in time that when you are 88 and have trouble remembering things, it will be what you remember. 

Or as HE likes to say, "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10. 

Similarities between my 4 year old daughter and my 88 year old Grandma

     As we have moved into my grandma's home with all my children, I am noticing how much my grandma 88 years old and my 4 year old daughter are alike. 

     I will begin to list these things as I can below. I know there are lessons to learn from these. Maybe they have the key to joyful living. 

1) Ice Cream is the best food group. 

2) anytime is a good time to swing. 

3) Shirley Temple movies are funny. 

4) Everyone should have a lay down in the afternoon. 

5) Sometimes you should skip dinner to eat ice cream. 

6) Dirt is just dirt. It doesn't hurt. 

7) Lightening bugs are awesome. 

8) Being barefoot feels good. 

9) Horses are beautiful. 

10) Dolls are fun. 

11) Birds, rabbits, squirrels and any other creature that run around the lawn are amazing and fun to chase (my daughter chases while Grandma cheers her on). 

12) They both need help out of the car. 

13) They both love sparkly things. 

14) Both Love flowers. 

15) Both get excited about baby birds and nests. 

16) Both like to count how many birds are on the lawn. 

17) Both laugh at my husbands silly jokes with the same enthusiasm. 

18) Both like baths. 

19) Both love hugs. 

20) Did I mention the commonality of their love for ice cream?

21) don't get in a hurry to go places. Take your time. Others will wait for you. 

This isn't an exhaustive list but, a good thing to pay attention to. I'm saying I think the oldest and the youngest generation are smarter then those that make up the rest of the countries age groups. We think we are so smart, working and being efficient. Look at Grandma and my girlie. Stop, look at the flowers and how the caterpillar is crawling on the leaf. Stop and watch the robin build its nest. There is no hurry. 

Life I too short not to enjoy each minute and eat as much ice cream as you can. 

     So there it is. Life's short. wake up and and have dessert. 

Don't make a wrong turn in Albuquerque!

     So, we are on the road. The trailer with all of our wordly possessions left a few days ago. The day that we got packed up was a big one. We knew some things wouldn't fit but we didn't know that much wouldn't go in. Whatever we couldn't pack in the trailer or car was given to one of Greg's employees that could use it. That made me feel better about leaving it behind. But, I was a little sad about some of it. My bookcases were left. That is big since I have many books. The big boys beds were left. I guess that's O.K. Since they probably need bigger beds anyway.  Various other items were left. But the one that choked me up a bit was the glider chair and foot stool that I had nursed all 4 of my children in. That was hard. Silly I know. It's just a chair. And a faded, showing its age one at that. I knew it had to he left but I did tear up a bit.
I remember sitting in that chair at 2:00 am nursing my oldest that is now almost 16, looking out the window. It was so calm and peaceful at that time of the morning. No one was out on the street. It felt like only I and my little guy were awake. I remember thinking that I would never forget that moment. And I haven't. My husband felt badly later when he realized how sad it made me. But, it was my contribution to the move. We all gave up things to do this.
     We shipped my husbands car. Then we have hooked the old 1972 electric blue, Jeep Commando behind my forest green Excursion. We are a sight to see going down the road. So far we have stayed in a hotel in town there where we grew up, for a few nights just to get the house cleaned up an do a couple of appointments before we left. Then we headed out. It was a Thursday morning. There were so many people to say good bye to that it just wasn't possible to see everyone. There were several that weren't happy with us for leaving without a personal good bye. But I hope they know we love them no less. We were really going through so much. Not only an upheaval of our families live but, a complete change of our lives. Where we live, what we do, how we do everything will be different.
Have you ever imagined what your life would look like, and feel like, if you picked up and moved to a totally different area of the country? Or world?? My cousin said something the other day that struck me hard. I had posted on FaceBook that I was bummed that it was the last night in my own bed for a long time and I couldn't sleep. She said it was perfectly understandable since it was the last night before we were about to completely change our lives. I hadn't thought about it that way. She was right. And I'm grateful she said it. It gave such a better perspective as to why I was feeling the way I was.
So here we are; on the I-40 going east. East towards our new lives. We've stopped in Kingman, AZ. It was nice. The first day wasn't so bad. I was worried a little. 2 adults and 4 kids crammed in the car with mounds of other various things for hours- for days on end, sounded awfully scary. But my kids are doing great. Here we are the end of day 3 and everyone is being wonderful. Minus the fragrance that is lingering every now and then from the backseat that has us all gagging today. Of course everyone blamed everyone else. That went on for hours. Windows up, windows down.
So a couple more days and we should be at Grandma's. This trip is one I don't think my family will forget soon.

I will write more later. But for tonight, I want a shower.

It's almost time to GO!!!!!

     Well, we are doing it! It's almost time! It's almost here!
We are moving to the farm! To the south! South Tennessee that is. We are leaving behind out beach and trading it in for a pasture. Yes, we are a little crazy.

For so long we have been in a waiting pattern. (I used to be a flight attendant. Forgive the illustration.) We have been circling and waiting for the Control Tower to tell us what to do. Well, we have gotten the call and we're going in for a landing.

     I am anxious to put in a garden. I can't wait to pick my own tomatoes, green beans, squash, and melons. I'm sure we will have so much more. What a blessing to grow and cook and even can my own food for my family. God is amazing how we can do that. Eventually we would love to have cattle to have our own meat and maybe even (sorry Aunt Freda) chickens. To have fresh eggs each day is an amazing idea. It would be great to be able to find someone that has a milk cow to actually get some fresh milk. Can you tell I'm excited?


   

     We will be moving in with my grandma. Her place will be such a change from where we are now. There is plenty of room for the kids to be able to spread out. Have some space. The kids can actually do their school work and not interrupt each other all day. Also, they can go outside and RUN! That is a blessing all by itself. They big boys are looking forward to being able to shoot their BB guns, build forts or catapults, and having a big room to spread out in. (Sensing a pattern?)

     We spend so much of our time trying to keep things mellow. Slow and intentional. It is hard to keep that pace where we live. We are definitely a bit strange by the standards of where we live now. The town we are moving to is small and quaint. The town square looks a bit like Mayberry. The closest Trader Joe's or Target is 90 miles away. At first that scared me that everything was so far away. Now, I'm thinking of all of the wonderful ways to slow down and not need so much from stores like these.  With Amazon Prime I can order just about anything we really need and save time, money, gas, etc. Also, we won't be making so many last minute items that get thrown in the cart.

     We have so many things we will miss. Family, friends, conveniences, our homeschool group, and so much more (In N' Out, Wahoo's!!). But, the ability to do other things on our own. Hopefully, start our own business. That, I will keep under wraps as we develop some more ideas about that.

     We are also hoping that we will be able to bless Grandma as well as be blessed by her. To hear her stories about the times when she grew up will be invaluable. Better then a text book any day. Also, there is other family that I am hoping we will be able to spend time with and grow new bonds with. What a cool thing for my kids to have cousins their own age to hang out with. It won't be all the time as they live a bit away. But, so much more then while we live on the other side of the country.

     So, I ask for prayers for God to be very obvious in His directions for this move and with our lives. We have truly been trying to live our lives as a living sacrifice. (Romans 12:1) Funny, those statements scare me. I am not a missionary or have any degree in bible. There are many reasons I don't feel qualified to think that God would want to use me. But, the bible says otherwise. It says he uses everyone of us. He uses common people. Even though Paul was a learned man he had to reteach him. But, He used many common people. Moses, Joseph, Gideon, Jephtah, David, Esther (my personal favorite story), Mary, Matthew, Luke, Peter, and others. He is a God of the people and and to the people.

     Esther, was a nobody. She was chosen to be queen. "For such a time as this." The exact quote is amazing in that she is told that God can do this with out you. He will raise someone else up but, He is calling on you. Will you stand up? 
Here is the quote: "For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to such a time as this?" Esther 4:14
Did you see that? He is able to do anything without our input but, He wants to use us and have a relationship with us. How much more do you think Esther learned about herself and God by doing what was set before her? Her confidence level about what she was capable of doing must have increased tremendously. Which is an even bigger deal for a young orphan woman during that time. Also, just a side note; another reason I love this story is that God doesn't talk out loud in this story. No burning bushes, no writing on the wall, not even a prophet coming and telling dreams or messages. Esther has to take her job on faith. Just like us. Faith is a terrifying thing. It is freeing on so many levels but, if you are anything like me you want to know what is coming and how it's going to pan out. That takes so much for me to break that fear of the unknown.

     So, God does use ordinary people. Just like you and me. I have been praying for a long time and singing for God to use my family for His glory. To lead my children in His ways. Dear husband has been praying for God to use us and to leave a legacy for our children. What better legacy then God's legacy? He has big plans for us. For all of  us. We just have to be open to hear and follow. So, while we jump into this big adventure, know that I am feeling like Esther stepping into the throne room that she wasn't invited to. I am no Esther but, she didn't think she was anything special either. 


     So, what will you do today to give yourself to God and His plans for your life? Who will you touch and lead to the Lord? These questions are more for me then anyone else.

     Thank you Lord, for leading us to a new adventure. For calling us to do something that will glorify Him and help us to bless others though.