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| Don't mess with Mama bear! |
I am totally a Mama bear. You have heard of Tiger moms, I am a Mama Bear. Anyone that knows me would agree. Some don't like it. I've been told by some family they think it's a little too much even. Well, whether others like it or not, I am. No one can mess with my children without having to go through me. I'm not psycho about it, just very involved and protective.
So, as a Mama bear, I know that my job is to stand up for my kids. Any threat to them will be dealt with. I will obliterate the threat and protect my cubs. It's a simple idea, right?
Here is the problem that I have just recently encountered, and have been spending several days thinking, about in depth. When there is a threat to my children it is easy; I target the threat and protect the child.... What if the threat is the child itself? Meaning, what if my child chooses to do something that is harmful to him or herself? Making choices that are not good choices. What if my child choose to smoke cigarettes, do drugs, become enamored with someone that is not a good influence or worse. What if they choose to get involved in activities that can truly harm their character or influence their character in a negative way?
(Disclaimer: My kids are fine and not doing anything in this manner. I am listening to others talk about activities or choices their kids have made and I am reevaluating the Mama Bear instinct in me).
I had always thought, it would be easy. I'd do whatever I had to do to keep my child from that activity. I would be happy going to extremes.
But, that goes along with the idea that I was an amazing parent-BEFORE I had kids. Then reality sets in. Then you realize, you have a small window that you get to direct all of your kids activities. I am at some point demoted to coach rather then complete life director. When they hit the teen years I think we are just as important, in many ways more, but we need to take the passenger seat and let the teen drive. It's just like when they get their driving permit, we as parents, have to sit in the passenger seat and try to encourage and point out the best directions. Reminding them of the turn signals and when to brake so as to not jar everyone in the cars necks. I am not in the drivers seat anymore. This is a terrifying place to be; both literally and metaphorically.
Some parents are really good at sitting in the passenger seat with their child driving. Some parents are more then ready to hand over their child's decision making to them. Mama Bear
So, back to the thought of them making choices for their own lives, I'm not sure what to do. If my child is going to make a poor choice for his or her life- who do I obliterate to keep them safe?! How do I protect my child from the danger if the danger is my own child's mind or intentions?
I grew up with many girls that had eating disorders. Many had anorexia or bulimia. Those eating disorders started somewhere. Were there waring signs before they became bulimic? How do you as a parent deal with that? Or a girl or boy that has a desire to be with another that is so unhealthy for them to be with? How do you get rid of the threat if the threat comes from within your own child? (yes, you get counseling when it is necessary but, as a family how do you deal with it? And as you suspect the beginnings of it?) The issue becomes if I do too much I may drive my child right into the activity that is harmful. If I do too little, .... well, I should have done more.
I don't know that there is one answer, but I will say that my parenting style of Mama Bear is having a very difficult time figuring out how to respond. I love my children fiercely. I would do almost anything for them. My children fully believe that if they were ever in trouble that their dad and I would be there to help them. But, how does Mama and Papa bear help a child from themselves?
Boy, parenting was so much easier when they were little and the threat was a loose dog in the neighborhood or a mean child at the park.
Well, here comes parenting teenagers!
