I have tried to write this post several times. There are so many reasons why it has been difficult, only a few of which could I even post in a public forum. So, I am going to attempt this one last time. If it doesn't work, I am going to put the subject to rest. Then it means that it is too private to share.
As I have posted before, my family moved to TN to move in and help out my grandmother. She lives on a big farm with a large house, by herself. She was showing some real signs of Dementia and needed someone there with her full time. So, after much prayer (that was actually several years of prayer) and several things lined up to show us that we needed to go, we went. We packed up what we could fit in a trailer and the rest we gave away. We truly felt God calling us for so many reasons. Not only to help my Grandmother but, to live a different life, to try some dreams we had held (my husband and I ) since we had been married, to let the children see and experience a different way of living, to have my children get to know my grandmother before it was too late, as well as many other family members and to appreciate and understand that we love and care for all family.
The total time we were there was about 7 months. In that time so many things occurred. My children grew and flourished like I could never have imagined physically. They matured and learned so many things we could never have taught them here in Orange County, CA. Between raising goats, and attempting a garden, learning to do real yard work (seriously hard labor), how to drive an old beat up farm truck with the gears on the tree (the same one my brothers and boy cousins all learned to drive on), wildlife and how to deal with them without calling animal control. Death of an animal. Loving and training animals. They met new family they had never known was there. They learned to navigate an elderly woman with a nasty temper but, who is also quite childlike many times, that thought ice cream makes all things better. They learned that all churches and peoples ideas of God and how to worship and serve Him was different. They learned that healthy food really is better. And you really can get sick of fast food to the point of craving healthy veggies and fish. They learned to climb trees and swing from the branches. They learned that mud squished between toes is an amazing feeling. They learned that if they were really patient the donkey and even the goats would give them a little ride. They learned that running everywhere was exhilarating and that playing outside without an adult having to keep constant vigilant watch over them was amazing freedom. They learned to entertain themselves without T.V. or video games. They learned to catch crawdads and even what one was. They learned there are an amazing amount of bugs in TN and that there are hardly any bugs in CA worth worrying about. One of my children learned he is severally allergic to many of those bugs. We all learned that a small hole in the ground was to be avoided at all cost (poor Greg and the swarm of hornets!) We learned how to kill a snake and then why some were actually good, even if they creep Dad out. They learned how to fire a gun and how scary and powerful guns really are. They learned that people (kids) from small towns can be as snobby as kids from Orange County. That teenagers are cliche-ish everywhere. One of my children got his first job and learned how rewarding that can be.
Sadly, all of us learned that Dementia is a cruel disease. That it hurts the person it is in but, that it really hurts so many of the ones that person loves, as well. We learned treating all people with humility and respect are so important. Even when the other person or people aren't nice or respectful to us. That Jesus was kind and He loved those people, even those that hated Him and a glimpse of just how hard that must have been. We learned that you must love someone and tell them that everyday. Whenever you leave from each other you tell them you love them and hug them. You never know when it will be the last time you see them or the last time they know who you are. We learned that just because someone was related to you by blood doesn't mean they love you, or care what you think, or even think about you. (This was an even harder lesson for me then anyone.) We learned that some people that aren't even related to you may love you much more then some you share blood with. We learned that one persons actions in one short period of time can affect not just that person, but a whole group of family and people for several generations-whether for good or bad. (Also, a terrible and hard lesson for me, but also a shockingly positive one too). We learned that what a person can spend a life time building can by broken down much quicker then it took to build and the opposite too. You don't have to repeat the same life your family did. You don't have to behave the way that others tell you you should. We don't have to live the words that others have put on us. Lost things can be found and have great meaning. That lost people can too.
So we learned all of that and so much more. Then we came home......
God had called us to TN to teach us so many things that He wanted and needed us to learn. Then He allowed us to come home. And know that this was home. (This was also a terribly hard lesson). We know that God has a plan that is so much bigger then we are. We know that sometimes we could never grasp that whole plan and that is why He gives us snippets instead of showing us the whole story.
I left TN so very angry with God. I know this is a shocking statement to many. It is a shocking statement to me as well. I have lived my life trying to just accept whatever happens, because I know HE knows best. My family has had MANY trials over the life of this marriage, and as hard as they all were to accept I always just would give in knowing He loved me and wanted the best. Don't get me wrong, there have been many times I have cried out in the night screaming WHY!? but, I always was able to give in. This time, ..... I was furious. I was livid and sick. Literally, I had become sick with sadness, disappointment, confusion, and just plan heartache. Hopes, dreams, ideas, and beliefs-all thrown away. I still totally believed in God and knew He was in control but, I was angry at why and how and what He was doing.
I am slowly getting over some of it. I still am working through other parts, but, the anger is slowly subsiding and now I believe I am going to go through the phases of mourning. Mourning so much. So many things. But, He is in control and wants the best for my family and me. I am trying to give in to this and take time to heal. Take time to regroup and love my family. Let them feel how much I appreciate each one of them.
A few things I have learned is that my husband is an amazing man with a huge capacity for love, patience and strength. I also learned that he loves me and our children so much more then I could have ever imagined. I also learned that my children are seriously adaptable and they are able to love some very unlovable people. Also, the strength they all have was so neat to see but, my favorite was how they would all stand up for and care for each other.
As much as this post leaves others that haven't spent the time with us in our journey with more questions it did serve to give me a place to let some of this out. I am sure as healing comes, so will posts.
So if you are getting tired of my posts on FaceBook about the beauty and my gratitude for living here in CA, know that I truly am just that-Grateful. And more then that, I am truly blessed by a God that does love me, even when I am so angry at Him.
As I close this I will end with the verse that seems to have overshadowed our return to CA.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the POWER of the Holy Spirit."
Romans 15:13
(emphasis is mine).
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