I'm No Moses

     Have you ever stopped and wondered how lonely Moses must have been? Or Abraham? What about Esther? Do you think Ruth ever stopped and thought, "What am I doing?! I could be at my parents house right now, eating goat and laughing with my mama. Why am I following this crazy old woman??"

     I read a post by my sweet cousin today. She is a missionary in Nicaragua with her husband and is pregnant with her first sweet baby. http://loveinleon.blogspot.com/2013/06/psalm-139-9-10.html?m=0 ( sorry I'm on my phone version and can't make that look prettier. No Internet for the computer yet). 

     OK. Tell the truth. You just went "oh my!" All of the lonely feelings and fear and emotions you felt when you were pregnant came flooding into your memory. Now you put yourself in a foreign country. Scary huh? And when I read her blog today, my heart aches for her. It is so scary to be pregnant. No matter how much you want to be. But, that is so true of many things in life. 

      God leads us to what he has made us to do at the time that he needs us to do them. We don't get to plan things the way we thing they would be perfect. We don't get to stockpile mounds of money. Or have it be the perfect timing in our eyes. It's all Gods timing and his plans. As a Christian I know that. And can somewhat accept that. As a human? No way! I want to shout somedays, "God, are you paying attention? Why now? Why me? Why can't you check off some of my to do list and needs and desires before I have to do that?" I want to shout, "God, I'm scared. I'm not equipped. No one will believe me. No one will help. I'm alone God. Why?? Why can't you make this easier? Why does it have to be so painful? Why does it have to be so scary?" 

     Funny though, HE's heard all of this a gagillion times. (Yes, that's a number! I think.). 

     Moses said send Someone else. (Exodus 4:13 I've said this before). Abraham said I'm too old. (Genesis 18:11) Sarah just laughed (Genesis 18:12) Esther said why me? (Esther 4:11) The list goes on. God picks those he can use and that bring glory to him. He chose David to kill Goliath (1 Samuel 17; 21:9) so that it would be an amazing feat. A boy kill a giant? Really? We're still talking about it. A young orphan girl saves her outcast, exiled people?(Esther) An old man and lady become mother and father of a nation?(Abraham) There are so many underdog stories in the bible. And they're great. 

But, when we are the underdog, .... It doesn't feel so great. It feels terrifying. Lonely. Too hard. Impossible. Being a child of God isn't always easy. In fact we're guaranteed trials because of being His child. 

     My family moved to a new state. Very far away from where we all grew up and knew everything. Even though we didn't like everything where we lived before, we knew where things were. We knew people. We had our foods that we knew and liked. We knew where places were. 

This new place feels like a foreign country. The people talk with accents and they have words we don't understand. They have customs we don't understand and some we really don't like. (I'm being honest). The food isn't what we are used to and like. Not everyone is glad we are here. 

     We moved here because we had been lead to move here for several years by God's prompting. Those who think that is a crazy statement, may as well stop reading now. It gets deeper. 

When ever we used logic or talked about not going God would do things to get our attention. Some tried to put roadblocks in front of us. Some told us we were crazy. WE said it was crazy. We pleaded with God for other answers. For better scenarios. For different scenarios. But, the reality is that God has a purpose for us and being here in this house, with this lovely, crazy old lady, in this strange town, with strange food, is where we are supposed to be. 

     My husband had a business. A good business. With his family. We had his family near us. We had an ocean view. We had friends. We had familiarity. We had a homeschool group. We had classes we could go to. We had stores we knew and liked. Natural foods, etc were plentiful and easy to get. We had awesome doctors. We had the beach. A church we loved. Wonderful weather, I better not keep going. 

     Now we are in a new land. We are learning new customs. And we are trying to figure out how to do everything in a new way. 

     Why? Some think its to gain material things. That isn't even really possible. And we have given up so many material possessions we have come somewhat, to the opinion that its all just things,and  stuff anyway. 

      Some believe that we were in financial crisis and that's why we're here. That we couldn't care for ourselves anymore. That one is interesting because, we have been in financial crisis, but we were on the recover. We waited on God to pull us through it. Besides we had more predictability with our finances there then we do here. 

     Some just think we are crazy. Maybe they are right. 

     Here is the real story. We have always dreamed of living on a farm. Raising our own food, open spaces, etc.,  etc. 

We love my grandma. We weren't happy with all of the ways that California was going in becoming one of the biggest nanny states. We hated the way we felt like we were always looking over our shoulder to see if someone was taking offense at how we raise our children, etc. 

It was getting more difficult each year to do business in California and make a profit. California is not friendly to the small business owner. We missed having more family around. Family our kids age. Those are all true statements. But, we also had so much we loved where we were. Like I stated above; the beach, family, friends, familiar foods, stores, places, doctors, weather, homeschool, etc. 

All of that aside; we moved because God prompted us. Grandma, has been diagnosed with dementia. She is getting worse. She lives on a big old farm. With space around her. A big house that was empty most of the time. She wasn't even able to sleep at home. All of our family that lives close to her works. And many live too far to help. 

     I'm not sure why God expected us to be the ones to give up our life and care for her but, he did. So we did. It is a ministry. God wants us to be here for this woman who has tried to be a godly woman her whole life. Who has served others, cared for others. Our mission is to be here for her. Love her. Fill the last part of her life with as much joy and peace as we can. In the mean time we get to teach our children what God means about sacrifice. We don't burn goats and sheep anymore. But we are supposed to sacrifice things that are much more difficult. Ourselves. Our comforts. This is a sacrifice. But it's also, such a blessing. I don't know if we'll live here in the south for the rest if our lives or not. I do know that we live here now. And we are supposed to squeeze all of the life out of being here that we can. 

     Am I ruining my children? Many would say it isn't fair to sacrifice your children's childhood (I believe is the way it was told to me by someone) to do something like this. But, we made this decision as a family. They wanted to come before my husband and I did. And how is teaching them by example about God's love bad? They are participating in daily life with Grandma. Her ability to teach them anything is quickly disappearing. But their ability to love her and learn how to care for another above themselves? That is priceless. All Christian parents talk about doing selfless things to teach and share with their kids. God has brought us here to do it. This is life. Right now. It is messy. It is unorganized much of the time. But, to see my Grandma light up to play a game with my two youngest. Or take my older two boys hand to walk across the grass, that is what this about. Her life. Right now. My kids do and will have childhood experiences. But, they will know that somedays Grandma is having a bad day. People all around us everyday have bad days. We need to be extra kind and aware of others around ourselves everyday. How is it that children are supposed to be given all of these "advantages" in toys, places to go, things to do, all geared to a wonderful childhood then suddenly grow up and be giving and self sacrificial? We need to teach by example. 

      My Grandma was the last to sit down at the table. She was the first to get up. She washed dishes, clothes, floors, walls, toilets, sinks, garages, and anything else she could reach. She grew food and canned them and preserved them and fed her family and anyone else that would come to a meal. Many have opinions as to why she was that way. Mine? She knew how to serve others above herself. Don't misunderstand me, no one is a saint. Not even Grandma (family is laughing and nodding) but, each of us cousins had a place to go and be a child. Be fed incredible food. Stay in an impeccably clean home. Run. We would run. All the while I never heard her list all that she had done that day. She did it silently. Everyday. I'm not good at that one. I may do many things during the day, but I want to tell you all I got accomplished. Sorry Grandma. I didn't learn that one. 

     I truly want to be a servant to God. I truly want to raise my children in his favor and his service. I truly want to do His will and graciously take the blessings HE wants to pour out on my family. I have to remember HIS idea of a blessing and my idea of a blessing are surely different sometimes. 

     HE is a good God. HE is a just God. HE is a living Father. HE wants what's best for me and my children. 

     Unfortunately, sometimes, many times, HIS path is lonely. When God is making a David or an Esther, HE doesn't always give them a buddy to do it with. HE wants the glory. Not the buddy not the servant. In our weakness HE is made great. 

     So please, if someone you know does something really counter culture and weird with their lives, try not to judge them by saying that they are being irresponsible. It looks and is irresponsible to the world and society to do many of what God wants. Tithing most of the time in today's world is irresponsible, having too many children, is irresponsible (even though God says all children are blessings), talking to and helping a homeless man is many times scary and irresponsible, moving to a third world country and having a baby there seems irresponsible, giving away most of your possessions and moving into an old lady's cluttered home, going to her church, and living where we know very little seems irresponsible. But, listening to a burning bush and trying to lead a people that only partially wanted you there(Moses) seems irresponsible, spending several years building an enormous boat many, many miles from any body of water(Noah) seems irresponsible, a young boy(David) fighting a giant is hugely irresponsible, marching around a secure city(Jericho) several times a day screaming is irresponsible and crazy, a young orphan girl that suddenly becomes queen throwing away her new found comforts and  her life possibly, to walk into the kings throne room uninvited to her possible death to save a people that saw her as nobody-is irresponsible. However, God knows what HE is doing. We will continue to follow HIS path for our family even though it is lonely. Even though others talk behind our back or worse to our face about how crazy and irresponsible we are being, we will love on Grandma and raise our children in this new life. This new adventure. 

       For the record, we aren't great, awesome, holy people. We are just a couple of people trying yo follow a God that has crazy plans. And hey, when was the last time you did anything "irresponsible" for God? Maybe you should try it. There is a since of freedom in the following HIM instead of controlling all that happens in our lives. 

     Remember what David said, "I will become even more in dignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes."

2 Samuel 6:22

How irresponsible was it to take several years to build a enormous boat many miles from any body of water?!

Slowly

     To say that things in the south move slowly is a statement most take lightly. It is a true statement though. People talk much slower, eat slower, move slower. (Not all drive slower). There is truly a laid back approach to most things. And it will get done, when it gets done mentality. (Hawaii and its Aloha attitude has nothing on the south).  

     My family comes from a faster paced place. Orange County, CA. Not much is done slowly. In fact as a waitress or a service provider in Orange County, that was the biggest way to make someone angry- take your time. Everybody was on a time schedule. You plot out your day and stick to it. Here, I'm sure they have schedules but, to have a service done, expect it to take awhile. 

     I Called the appliance repairman to check the fridge. I got a call back saying that the man would be there right away. He was in our area. 2 1/2 hours later was their idea of right away. Nice man. Owned the company. But not in a hurry. Told me how long he'd been coming to Grandmas house fixing things. Also, how long he'd been in the business. His high school career, etc. 

     People are friendly here. They actually want to talk. They listen after they say, how y'all doin'? To see what your answer is. Stumps me a bit. I'm uses to people asking that question and moving on to the next subject. Another era want to hear how your day is going. Or how your mama was making a dish and how it turned out. They may even tell you to bring it to the next church pot luck. People here like to talk. Although, slowly. 

     Right after we got here to the South, I called several TV and Internet providers. Let me say I am in what they call the rural area. Just means I'm 6 minutes from town. I finally decide on the local cable monopoly-company and get a day and time they can be out here-.... A week later. Um. Ok. 

     The man comes, says;" I have good news an bad news. Which do you want?"

     Well. Both. 

     "We located the "dog house" and surprisingly that was easy to locate. But,...(long drawl) there isn't any power to it "..... Pause. Pause. Pause. 

" I'll put a call in for you and tell them what is going on. But, I'm from (some town an hour away) so I'm not sure if they'll call me back out or not."

Pause. Pause. Pause. 

     Me:"OK. So what does that mean to me? Is cable and Internet possible?"

     "Well, that's hard to say. " pause. Pause. Pause. 

     "Maybe they can get someone out here and get it taken care of in a couple of days. Maybe this afternoon. People don't move very quick around here ma'am. I'm from Las Vegas myself. They are a bit slow moving out here. "

     I'm now thinking that he's adapted well. 

     Me:"So, I will call and get an updte on what needs to be done and an estimated time of when it can be done. Sound good?"

     "Well, no. There is no reason for you to call. I'll call it in. Not sure if they'll send me back out though. Comcast is going through changes on services blah, blah, blah, blah, (sorry I spaced out during the history and workings of Comcast and how they work in the south). So we'll be in touch with you ma'am. Ok?"  

     Ok. 

      In the next couple of weeks we had utility people show up, cherry picker trucks show up, even people digging up the yard to lay cable. No one came to the door. No one called. Nothing. 

     I waited patiently. 

     3 weeks now and nothing is happening. So I call to check on our progress. 

     "Ma'am? Your order has been canceled because it went beyond our service time period."

????????????

     New guy shows up and spends several hours here in the humidity and heat. Finally says that he doesn't have the right tool with him. The only one we have in the company is over an hour away. They set me up for Saturday between 3 and 5 pm. 

      It's now been a total of 5 weeks with no cable or Internet. We're not going to die. But really, it's a bit crazy. Especially considering how much caffeinated, carbonated, sugary beverages these men have come out here drinking. They should be moving like their butts are on fire. 

     Me:"If you would like there is cold  water bottles in the garage fridge. Help yourself."

     "Oh thanks ma'am, but I've got Mountain Dew/Sun Drop/Dr. Pepper in the truck. "

     So the conclusion I am coming to is, thing just move slowly here. We need to go with it. But, I'm also thinking, man, if we can get a business together that all we are is quick and efficient, maybe we'll have a shot. Whew. I will say that the humidity and heat make you move a bit slower. And living with Grandma, our pace has slowed tremendously. We swing on the big wooden swing, several times a day instead of completing all of my chores first. We stop in the middle of the day to enjoy an ice cream sandwich. 

I guess we'll get used to it eventually. The good thing is, we don't hear any bad news much anymore. With no TV I don't have the patience to sit through the news on the local radio station. I would but it's squeezed between the "radio Shopper", classifieds (yes, they do the classifieds on the radio. People call in and say, "I have a ride I lawn mower for sale. My number is-------.") and the obituaries. Oh they also, announce all of the arrests overnight. Really, what you are charged with, the full name and the town they live in. That is a deterrent you'd think. Walk into you job and everyone would be looking at you. Busted!!

     So maybe no bad news means good news. Right? 

     I'll be waiting on the cable guy, I reckon on Saturday. Or maybe I'll just see if my husband wants to get the tool and do the work so all they have to do is hook up the equipment. 

      Well, just let me know if I miss anything good. And y'all come by and sit a spell, ya hear?!

Be Still.

     When I had nursing babies, one of the hardest lessons I had to learn was to stop, and be still. Dwell on and enjoy the moments in life. I know that sounds so simplistic. Also, cliche. But it's true.

      It wasn't really any easier of a lesson with the last two babies then it was with the first. I know, I should have been an expert by baby number 4 but, truthfully it was harder because I had other children and responsibilities by then. 

     One day I was complaining to my husband that all I do is sit here all day in a chair like a milk cow. (So I was a bit dramatic. Allow for hormones, would ya?) 

He snickered and said, "We'll, it is kinda like you are one." 

He was kidding, the humor was lost on me. 

Then he said, "Enjoy it. This is God's way of making you slow down long enough to breath in the smell our baby, watch the breeze blow the leaves, enjoy the stillness and all that God has created." 

     He was being so very real and deep. I just wanted to complain and whine. I'm being honest. But, he was right. I knew it. And with each baby I relearned how to be still. I learned to just BE in the moments in life. As the scripture says, "Be still, and know that I am God,..." Psalm 46:10

     The first baby was the easiest. There were no distractions. Him and me. 

     Baby number two? It was harder because he was sick. But, still a super lesson for me because amongst all of the hospital muck and rules, and proceedires, etc. it was hard to find the peace of a moment with my baby. The ones I had were savored like dripping butter and salt on hot summer corn. 

     Baby three was a lesson in patience and waiting. I was on bed rest before he was even born. 6 months of being still. 

By the time this little guy was born, I was an expert at being still. (Not really). When this one was born it had been 6 years since I had a nursing baby. Again I struggled with trying to revel in the moment. 

     By the time baby 4 was born, I was feeling pretty cocky about knowing it all. HA! God threw me a curve ball. It was a girl and I had to learn all over again, how to diaper, hair bows, and all that goes with a girl. I had started to embrace the being still part but, that was probably more exhaustion then applied learning. With an 11year old, 8year old and a 2 year old with a newborn I was exhausted. Did I mention that I homeschool? 

     The pattern of learning to be still has continued through my life. I obviously must have a problem with patience and slowing down. I really thought maybe it was just me. I'd read articles about moms needing to slow down and people needing to take time out to eat with their family or spend more quantity of time with their kids. I came to the thought that it wasn't just me. 

     Several years have past since my last little one was born ( almost 5 to be exact). I really thought my husband and I had this slowing of our pace down. We do everything the experts say to do and more. We eat all meals with our kids. We homeschool so we are around them more then most. We do chores together, and play together, spend time at home. We would even sit on the beach once a week during the summer all day! What's more peaceful and slow then that?! We were quite counterculture. Granted we were living in a very fast town. In a culture that believes that every minute should count.people around us has their  kids in all kinds of wonderful activities. School, soccer, karate, play dates, computer classes, all kinds. Good stuff but so busy all the time. How many times I heard people say that they'd love to do this or that but, that they were too busy. When I hear that, I think of that verse again. "Be still and know that I am God." 

I think we are missing the point. We fill our lives with so much. Most of it truly are good things. Just too much. 

     I'm not nursing any babies and haven't for several years. I find myself following Gods lead and end up living with my Grandma, on her farm, in the middle of the south.  She's 88. She's been diagnosed with dementia. Sad to watch her struggle with the same questions over and over. Terrible to watch her live out the same angry moments in her life again and again. Guess what God is teaching me after all these years? "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

Grandma's favorite thing to do is to sit on her big wooden swing and rock and watch the birds. Watch the leaves blow in the trees. Look at flowers. 

     How hard do you think it is for me, with 4 kids, in a new state, with so much to do, to stop my whole day or chore I'm doing, to swing? Swing, count the birds, name all the ones she knows, and tell me all of thing she wants done (for the 411th time today). But, I just am amazed at what I heard God say today. "Just BE, enjoy the moment, breath in the air, smell the flowers, watch the leaves blow. Just be still."  

     I seem to see a pattern. 

     But, really I thi k it's time at 41 to listen and really try to do what god has been trying to tell me all along. That is that life moves much to fast when you are busy. There are so many things to do but, they will still be there tomorrow-or not. But this moment, this second, it will never be here again. Make it a memory. Make it a special moment in time. Make it the point in time that when you are 88 and have trouble remembering things, it will be what you remember. 

Or as HE likes to say, "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10.