Your Last Day.

   
      I'm sure you've heard someone say, "Live each day as if it were your last."
Have you ever thought of what that would mean? Everyone's last day would look different I'm sure. Some would spend that day at Disneyland, some would have a huge family get together, others would probably go sit outside and be with nature. I remember seeing a T.V. show where this couple, thinking the husband had a very short time to live, ran up an enormous debt vacationing and enjoying every second they had together.
     I'm not sure how living that way is going to be productive unless you tend to be a workaholic and never spend time on yourself. I even did a bible study using that thought as the premiss. I mean truthfully, if you have children and a spouse, you'd hope you would have things you wanted to tell them or share with them. That was the idea around the study. However, my mind went to other  places. Like, where I would like to go and things I want to eat!! Yea, I know, real deep. I suppose the truth has come out, I'm selfish. But, I wonder, aren't most of us? Maybe I'm going out on a limb here, hoping I'm not the only one that would think that way. I would tell my children how much I love them and all the important things I thought they would need to hear from me. Not so helpful would be that, I would spend much of the time being distraught over all I'd miss of their childhood and how they were going to get along without a mother. Then that would send me to the thought of- would my husband re-marry? NO! NEVER! He loves me too much. Then I would start thinking he should re-marry for his happiness and the kids. So, as you can see, that thought doesn't do me much good. Much mind wondering and distress over something that, hopefully, isn't going to happen any time soon.
     Then something very sad happened. One of the Pastors at our church had a daughter that was quite young come down with brain cancer. 
Jessie Rees was an amazing little girl that actually took the idea of, "what if this was my last day on earth" and left a huge imprint on so many. And since her journey to be with God, she is still making an impact. Wow. That is how we are all supposed to think when that question is posed to us. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I would. 
     It did make me think from another stand point though that did make an impact on me. The thought of that little girls parents and siblings living with the thought that any day she would likely be gone.  This thought horrified me. Oh my goodness, what if it were the last day of my husbands life, or my childs', or moms, etc. You get the idea. It is one of the many things that encouraged me to move back to TN to be with and help my Grandmother for those few short months. It has also been creeping into my head lately when I reprimand my children or get irritated with someone I know. Actually, I've been thinking this morning, it really should impact how I treat everyone. Even strangers. 
     If you knew this was the last time you were going to see someone you love, wouldn't you love them more and fuss less? Wouldn't you linger a little longer then be in such a rush to get on with the busyness of life? I mean people are why we are here, right? Relationships? God wants a relationship with all of us. So, we are to love too. "Love one another"

John 13:34-35

³⁴ “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. ³⁵ By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

Would you be a little more urgent with spreading the Gospel to those you thought didn't have much time?  Would you go out of your way to send notes of encouragement and love? Just pick up the phone and talk for a bit?
     Well, I'm going to think on this a little more. I want to stop and think more before I speak. Before I tell my husband I'm tired and don't want to go for a walk with him right now. Or that I'm too busy to go for the little drive to the gas station with him to keep him company. Before, I fuss at my kids for laughing to loud or being silly, I need to stop and enjoy that moment and let them enjoy it too. 
As for the stranger on the street that cuts me off or yells at me (maybe tells me "I'm #1"), I need to give a minute and some grace. I don't know what that person is going through. I don't know if he/she is experiencing a major loss in their life or they themselves will be gone tomorrow. 
     Many won't like this post. They'll probably tell me it's kinda morbid. It is. But, to all of those people who don't believe in our Christ, I bet we sound pretty morbid. I mean think about it. We worship this man that was beaten to a bloody mess and left to die. His family and friends spent much time thinking about what life was going to be like without him. To them (Jesus' family and friends) life was going to be awful and gut wrenching. But, He was prepared because He knew what was going to be waiting for him when it was all over. Heaven. But, for us people left behind, what of us? Did his mom feel like she told him she loved him enough? Did his brothers belittle his ministry? Remember when his family came to get him and told him to come home? Said he was out of his mind?

 Mark 3:21 says,"When his family heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, "He is out of his mind."

     Boy, I bet they felt like heels. Especially, after the whole rising from the dead thing. None of us are raising Jesus. But, we are raising his disciples and our spouses are blessings that God has given us to make it through this life as a helper and encourager. That means you are supposed to be an encourager too. Are you? Am I? Well, I can say that I am going to try harder at being more loving and more encouraging. I am going to try to live my life treating my family and friends as if they were not going to be here tomorrow. Like I may never have the chance to love on them or tell them how important  they are to me. I'm going to use this time to lift them up and Help them to have a joyful outlook. 

     God loves all of His children and we are supposed to as well. 

Here are some verses to help us remember what it is God says about this. 

Ephesians 4:2-3 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Philippians 2:2  complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.

1 John 3:18 Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

I need to work on Philippians 2:2- "being of full accord and one mind."
And also Ephesians 4- to have "humility and gentleness, with patience...." Wow that is a doozy.

     So, with that; I will be looking at you all differently. Pardon me if I hold on a little longer when we hug Hello or Good bye. Excuse me for looking at you with an expression as if I am trying to memorize your face. And be understanding if I call you just to talk. 
     And in case you live too far away for me to hug you, know that I love you and am thinking of you often.

God's Love And My Anger.

     I have tried to write this post several times. There are so many reasons why it has been difficult, only a few of which could I even post in a public forum. So, I am going to attempt this one last time. If it doesn't work, I am going to put the subject to rest. Then it means that it is too private to share.

     As I have posted before, my family moved to TN to move in and help out my grandmother. She lives on a big farm with a large house, by herself. She was showing some real signs of Dementia and needed someone there with her full time. So, after much prayer (that was actually several years of prayer) and several things lined up to show us that we needed to go, we went. We packed up what we could fit in a trailer and the rest we gave away. We truly felt God calling us for so many reasons. Not only to help my Grandmother but, to live a different life, to try some dreams we had held (my husband and I ) since we had been married, to let the children see and experience a different way of living, to have my children get to know my grandmother before it was too late, as well as many other family members and to appreciate and understand that we love and care for all family.
     The total time we were there was about 7 months. In that time so many things occurred. My children grew and flourished like I could never have imagined physically. They matured and learned so many things we could never have taught them here in Orange County, CA. Between raising goats, and attempting a garden, learning to do real yard work (seriously hard labor), how to drive an old beat up farm truck with the gears on the tree (the same one my brothers and boy cousins all learned to drive on), wildlife and how to deal with them without calling animal control. Death of an animal. Loving and training animals. They met new family they had never known was there. They learned to navigate an elderly woman with a nasty temper but, who is also quite childlike many times, that thought ice cream makes all things better. They learned that all churches and peoples ideas of God and how to worship and serve Him was different. They learned that healthy food really is better. And you really can get sick of fast food to the point of craving healthy veggies and fish. They learned to climb trees and swing from the branches. They learned that mud squished between toes is an amazing feeling. They learned that if they were really patient the donkey and even the goats would give them a little ride. They learned that running everywhere was exhilarating and that playing outside without an adult having to keep constant vigilant watch over them was amazing freedom. They learned to entertain themselves without T.V. or video games. They learned to catch crawdads and even what one was. They learned there are an amazing amount of bugs in TN and that there are hardly any bugs in CA worth worrying about. One of my children learned he is severally allergic to many of those bugs. We all learned that a small hole in the ground was to be avoided at all cost (poor Greg and the swarm of hornets!) We learned how to kill a snake and then why some were actually good, even if they creep Dad out. They learned how to fire a gun and how scary and powerful guns really are. They learned that people (kids) from small towns can be as snobby as kids from Orange County. That teenagers are cliche-ish everywhere. One of my children got his first job and learned how rewarding that can be.
     Sadly, all of us learned that Dementia is a cruel disease. That it hurts the person it is in but, that it really hurts so many of the ones that person loves, as well. We learned treating all people with humility and respect are so important. Even when the other person or people aren't nice or respectful to us. That Jesus was kind and He loved those people, even those that hated Him and a glimpse of just how hard that must have been. We learned that you must love someone and tell them that everyday. Whenever you leave from each other you tell them you love them and hug them. You never know when it will be the last time you see them or the last time they know who you are. We learned that just because someone was related to you by blood doesn't mean they love you, or care what you think, or even think about you. (This was an even harder lesson for me then anyone.) We learned that some people that aren't even related to you may love you much more then some you share blood with. We learned that one persons actions in one short period of time can affect not just that person, but a whole group of family and people for several generations-whether for good or bad. (Also, a terrible and hard lesson for me, but also a shockingly positive one too).  We learned that what a person can spend a life time building can by broken down much quicker then it took to build and the opposite too. You don't have to repeat the same life your family did. You don't have to behave the way that others tell you you should. We don't have to live the words that others have put on us. Lost things can be found and have great meaning. That lost people can too.
     So we learned all of that and so much more. Then we came home......



     God had called us to TN to teach us so many things that He wanted and needed us to learn. Then He allowed us to come home. And know that this was home. (This was also a terribly hard lesson).  We know that God has a plan that is so much bigger then we are. We know that sometimes we could never grasp that whole plan and that is why He gives us snippets instead of showing us the whole story.
     I left TN so very angry with God. I know this is a shocking statement to many. It is a shocking statement to me as well. I have lived my life trying to just accept whatever happens, because I know HE knows best. My family has had MANY trials over the life of this marriage, and as hard as they all were to accept I always just would give in knowing He loved me and wanted the best. Don't get me wrong, there have been many times I have cried out in the night screaming WHY!? but, I always was able to give in. This time, ..... I was furious. I was livid and sick. Literally, I had become sick with sadness, disappointment, confusion, and just plan heartache. Hopes, dreams, ideas, and beliefs-all thrown away. I still totally believed in God and knew He was in control but, I was angry at why and how and what He was doing.
     I am slowly getting over some of it. I still am working through other parts, but, the anger is slowly subsiding and now I believe I am going to go through the phases of mourning. Mourning so much. So many things. But, He is in control and wants the best for my family and me. I am trying to give in to this and take time to heal. Take time to regroup and love my family. Let them feel how much I appreciate each one of them.
     A few things I have learned is that my husband is an amazing man with a huge capacity for love, patience and strength. I also learned that he loves me and our children so much more then I could have ever imagined. I also learned that my children are seriously adaptable and they are able to love some very unlovable people. Also, the strength they all have was so neat to see but, my favorite was  how they would all stand up for and care for each other.
     As much as this post leaves others that haven't spent the time with us in our journey with more questions it did serve to give me a place to let some of this out. I am sure as healing comes, so will posts.
     So if you are getting tired of my posts on FaceBook about the beauty and my gratitude for living here in CA, know that I truly am just that-Grateful. And more then that, I am truly blessed by a God that does love me, even when I am so angry at Him.
     As I close this I will end with the verse that seems to have overshadowed our return to CA.


"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the POWER of the Holy Spirit."
Romans 15:13
(emphasis is mine).

Living for yourself?

     I cannot tell you how many articles I have seen over my Mommydom life that tells us (mommies especially) that you need to put yourself first. Your needs, need to be met first. "If mommy ain't happy, no one is gonna be happy."  All of these statements have some reality to them. Especially when played on our human, fleshly beings. We want and desire so much. But, to be a parent first, is self sacrifice. To be a good human in this world is self sacrifice. To be a Christian, following Jesus' example of self sacrifice is essential. 

     The word self-sacrifice, does not bring up visons of luxury or even fun. It brings up thoughts of drudgery. 

     My family lived in an amazing place. A place where people had so much money that others that were very well off, felt disadvantaged. That is weird, I know. But, it's where we came from. But, with all of this wealth around us, sacrifice was a funny word. I'm sure it is everywhere. Or at least most places in the U.S.  We feel like we are being sacrificial if we bring groceries to the food pantry. We feel sacrificial if we say we are giving up an activity or item we desire. Although, why do we give it up? Not many that I knew gave up an activity or item and took the money from that and gave it to another. That is sacrifice for another. We have lost sight of that word in our world today, I'm afraid. 

     We have all read that Moses and Abraham all sacrificed lambs and goats on the alter to God. But, we are so removed from that world that we don't get it. Goats and lambs Equalled money to them. It was a big deal. Your most beautiful, strongest and best breeders of your herd was to be sacrificed.  That is the one goat that would help you produce many more healthy, strong goats; was to be sacrificed. 

     My family learned about tithing. As do many believers. And we try hard to practice it. In this world, it is very difficult. Although, I'm sure it was back in bible times too. But, sacrifice is more then tithing and lambs. It's about doing something that is hard. Giving until it hurts. 

     I remember having a guest speaker one time at church. We had been singing a song about being a living sacrifice. The pastor got up and said, "Wow.  Do you realize what you just sang? You know these are not just words? This was worship and prayer in singing form. You just told God to take your life and use it as a sacrifice. That you wanted to be a living sacrifice. These aren't just words. I hope you meant it. Because you just prayed it. And God wants to take you up on it."

     That shook me. I started thinking about that. Did I mean it? Come on, all of us Christians will say that we are being a living sacrifice. Or that we would. IF God asked us to. 

     But.... Do we really mean it. Do we really think God is going to call on little old me? I'm no body. I'm so unimportant. 

     Well, David was incredibly insignificant. A young Shepard boy. Nothing special. And Look what God called him to do. 

      Jesus was and is THE ultimate sacrifice. And we as Christians have heard this over and over. Even to the point of becoming numb to that phrase. Jesus wasn't JUST a sacrifice like the lamb on the alter. He lived his whole life as a LIVING SACRIFICE. That means that instead of staying close to home near his family and living a quiet life as a carpenter, he started his ministry. He gave up his worldly possessions, his family, his comfort, to travel the area preaching and loving the unloveable. Again, the phrase; loving the unlovable is a common one in churches. We love to think we love the unlovable. I mean we donate food to the pantry, we give money or food to the homeless guy on the corner. We donate our old clothes. We even make meals for our sick friends. But, Jesus gave up his whole life of family and comfort to be homeless. 

     Luke 9:58 says that, "Foxes have dens and birds have nests but, the son of man has no place to lay His head."

     He was homeless. Seriously. Dwell on that. 

     Where am I going with all of this? Well, I'm talking to myself mostly. I'm figuring out that the term "living sacrifice" is not a pretty, neat and tidy thing. It isn't even pleasant a lot of the time. I am figuring this out as God has called my family to be just that.... Living sacrifices. 

     We have given up our lives to be here with my grandma. I'm not talking about this to toot my horn. That defeats the purpose. I'm writing this, like I said, to work this out in my mind. And maybe my children. We are so far from being Jesus. We are not marching straight to a cross to be slaughtered like a goat on an alter. We are mere servants. We are selfish and grouchy and frustrated much of the time. Something I don't see Jesus being very often in the bible during his life with us thick headed people. We are called to do hard things. Things that are not always pleasant. I always thought I was making so many sacrifices. I cared for my husband and my kids. 

Matthew 5:43-48 says that just living and caring for my family and friends is nothing more then anyone else. 

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[i] and hate your enemy.’44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

But, giving up our life as we knew it to care for a grouchy, but lonely and needy old lady and live in a "foreign" land, give up money and comfort is huge for us. This was way more then we had ever done. Of course we love Grandma. But she can be very unlovable. I know tht is unkind to say that but, I'm being honest. And I don't mean because she has dementia. She has always been a bit..... Unlovable. 

John 15:13 says:

13 There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

Jesus cared for so many types of people. By giving up what we have always known to help Grandma stay in her home where she is comfortable and feels safe, is a huge sacrifice. We are truly living as a sacrifice. This is our mission. It may not be South America or Africa,but it's also not for a short trip. It's our life.  Our whole life. We aren't sleeping on the ground. We aren't eating honey out of a log. But, we are eating strange foods, living in strange surroundings. Not having a future plan. Living in today. That is the most terrifying. Living in today. Not having a retirement plan, no college fund for the kids, not much in the savings account even. Irresponsible? Probably. According to the world we are totally doing everything wrong. But, according to the bible we are not to worry about tomorrow. 

     Now, the question is; how long can we do this for?

Not sure. 

The Monster Frogs Little Friend

The Fish Pond.

     This is just one "fun" day in our life. I thought I'd share, since our lives are so different then they used to be. 

     My husband decided it was time to clean out Grandma's pond. Now the pond is man-made (actually Grandaddy made). It is about 30 x 6 feet and about 18 inches deep. There is a thick black plastic liner on the bottom. It has sharp rocks around the edge as decorations as well as to hold the liner. It is FULL of fish. Like goldfish. Only mostly red and white. Most are about a couple of inches long.  It has enormous lily pad plants as well. 

     We don't know when the last time it was dumped completely but, it was so green it was almost black. There is also frogs. We figured a few small frogs. 

     So, my husband rents a HUGE trash pump ( the smaller one didn't cut it. Too much mud and gunk). In went the pump hose and the water starts squirting out on the lawn. Once it gets down a bit I worry that the fish need to be gotten out faster then my 6 year old with small fish net can manage. (Like for your fish bowl). So I kick off my shoes, take my iPhone out of my pocket and step into the mucky dark water to help grab fish. At the third step,.... Yep, you guessed it, I went down. My feet slipped right out from under me (who could have seen that coming?? Plastic bottom with mud and muck and fish poop covering it??) So, there I go, BAM. On my back, feet in the air, laying in fish poop!! OK. Go ahead and laugh. 

     Once I assessed that all of my body parts were OK, I laughed too. That's when I hear Grandma. We had set a chair out so she could watch us clean out the pond. I can hear her cackling like a bird. She is laughing so hard she can hardly catch her breath. Such compassion.  Well,  glad I could be the comic relief for the day! 

     Well, we grab fish by the handfuls. Although, we probably only save half. The strong suction of the pump pulled the other half out to the lawn. As my husband and I are more then ankle deep in this black water, he says, "I felt something big brumped against my leg." 

STOP!

I grew up at the ocean. Someone says that, it's out of the water quick!! 

I am so outta here!! Darling husband holds my hand to steady me so I don't slip again. I did slip and cut my foot on a rock but, he kept me from falling down again. 

     Husband stayed in the water (he had on waders) and continued to clean out the end of the pump hose and catch fish. 

     That's when he saw it! Something big. We all agreed it had to be a frog. We'd seen a few frogs already, decent sized ones. And we knew there were some that lived in there. We heard them all the time. And heard the splashes whenever we came near. But, this was no ordinary frog. It was black. And after we (husband) finally cornered it (let me say right here, he wasn't even excited about touching this thing. It was that big. he said it had spikes on its feet!) he made a grab for the frog .... OH MY GOODNESS!! It was HUGE. I mean like the pictures in fairy tales, huge!  

It was as big as a cantaloupe. And I don't mean the mini ones. It took two hands and some strength to get that thing. Ends up, there were two of them that huge. Really. Two Jurrasic Park sized frogs. I'm so glad I got out of that water! 

     The rest of the pond cleaning went on without a hitch. We stationed children near the bucket so the frogs wouldn't jump away. And husband scrubbed the bottom and shoveled out mounds of mud and fish poop. 

     The pond got refilled and the fish and frogs went back in the water. 

     That night at dinner we were talking about it all. (I had taken a shower and cjanged my clothes.) Grandma couldn't remember that we had dumped the pond. She couldn't remember the frogs or anything. Then my husband says, "Do you remember Heather falling in the muck?"

     Well, she started laughing. Silent chuckles at first. Then reall hearty laughing. Her whole body was shaking with laughter. "Yep. I remember that!"  

Well, glad to help jog your memory. 

     I do have a bit of wisdom, albeit sad wisdom from that experience. When you are 20 and you fall like that, you get up and laugh. When your 40 and fall like that, you fall, lay there a minute to take stock. Then you get up and laugh. But, wow, are you sore the next day!!

     The next day at church someone asked if I was OK. I guess I winced a bit when I sat down. So I told them what happened (grandma laughed ll over again). And I even said that about being 20 and 40. Well, we go into the older couples room for Sundy School class. These people are quite a bit older then my husband and I. Well, one older lady  says, "Well and when your 60 and fall your probably going to break a hip!" 

     That's when an even older man spoke up next to her and said, "And when your 80, after you fall you look around and wonder, "Where am I?"

     So much to look forward to. That's it. A day in our life here.  I mean why should Grandma be the only one laughing at me, right?? 

     If you ever need you fish pond cleaned out, please don't call me. I am still wincing a bit and had to see the chiropractor. 

Update from our move.

     So, we've been here in the heart of Tennessee for 4 months. It's September now and the trees are slowly starting to show color changes. The mornings have fog and the grass is covered in a thick dew. The days are still quite warm though. Can get up to the 90's. 

     We are all learning to adapt and change since we've been here. With school starting we are really trying to get back to routines. I like more routine as long as I'm not having to go to a bunch of different places all the time. 

     My oldest is working hard to learn and understand advanced algebra and study for his first college test with College Plus. He's started an internship at the local radio station. They have now hired him to work the board during the football games on the weekends. 

He's also helping with goat milking and care each day, as well as, upkeep of the property. That means lawn mowing, bush trimming, and so much more. 

     My second, is doing well with school this year so far. But, of course he has an easier year. We haven't gotten his writing program yet so he has a little shorter day then he will normally. We've decided that he will study some farm things for science. Things like goats digestive systems and the best things to help them stay happy and healthy. To keep the 4 stomachs healthy is a balancing act. He's also going to learn about organic farming and what that involves. 

     He also, is caring for our goats and the yards. When you ask him his favorite part about moving here, he says the goats. 

     My youngest son started lessons with math, spelling, science, reading, and whatever else we decide. He also loves workbooks. He is really getting proud of himself with his reading but, is hard on himself about spelling. He spends much time running barefoot, everywhere. Climbing trees, trying to get the goats to let him ride on their backs like a horse, watching the bigger guys milk the goats and trying to talk dad into letting him ride on any tractor my husband happened to be using. 

     And then little girl, she is like a butterfly, flitting here and there. She loves workbooks. So, I have a bunch for her to go through as she likes. She also sits in on the science and reading. She will also, draw, color, run, play and whatever else suits her for the moment. Her and Great-Grandma color together often. Thu will sit at the kitchen table and color for the longest time. She is also barefoot most of the time and is following the big guys to the barn. She wants them to let her milk!!

     Husband is trying to figure out how all this is going to work. Creating a job and with it am income. He is spending much time with the big boys working in the yards and helping with the goats. (The goats are a family affair. We all have something that we do with and for the goats. There is much to do. From brushing, feeding, scooping poop, cleaning out stalls and water buckets all the milking and storing the milk. 

     Me.  I am learning to do many new things as well as balance and care for each of the people in this house. We were a busy family before with 6 of us but, adding Grandma is like adding a very large kid that needs full time care and watching. With the 6 of us around we all can help some. But, I am with her pretty much 24/7. Or at least am completely aware of where she is And what she is doing at all times. Yes even at night. So grandma is a new task. I also spend quite a bit of time cleaning. Cleaning clothes, cleaning dishes (no dishwasher), cleaning and sanitizing jars for milk, washing the dog (yes he's new). Also, training the new puppy. Making cheese, Keiffer, and soap. Don't forget 3 full meals a day for 7 people. After all of that; I'm teaching the kids, helping my husband with goat care (adding supplements, etc.), I can and do milk when the need arises. I also, have to come up with ideas to keep grandma happy, and content. She has lost so many abilities. She can no longer do puzzles or think through things like she used to. Movies don't keep her attention. To give her a task is much like finding something for my 4 year old to help with. She isn't capable of so many things. Even laundry (which is her huge obsession) is so difficult for her. Yet she doesn't know it. She will put anything in the machine. Stuff it full. Throw in rags with bleach on them with dress shirts. She will fold dirty clothes off of the floor. She will check on the dryer 20 times to see if the clothes are dry. She can't understand why half a bottle of laundry soap would be a Problem.  (I now make our laundry soap because of the expense). 

     To say our life is different is almost absurd.  Our life looks so different. And feels it even more. There are good days and bad days. There are so many days we think, "what have we done?!"  We have given up our whole life to come here. To do this.  What are we doing here? Well, were caring for a crazy old lady (and I say that knowing perfectly well that I will probably be just as bad), following God's prompting to come here and love her, take care of her and her property. To encourage her at the last part of her life to embrace what God has for her. We moved here to learn and teach out kids about things we could never have done in the OC, on the beach. We're all learning farm life. Learning how to keep going even when times get really uncomfortable or unhappy. We are all learning to let God lead us and listen for which direction he has for our life. We are learning what the word sacrifice really means. When we sing or read about being a living sacrifice, it is terribly uncomfortable and inconvenient. We are supposed to serve others even when it is not fun, even when you want to just yell and walk away. When the world would say you've tried hard enough, you've done more then anyone else would have; that we have to try more and harder. Being a believer is SO crazy hard sometimes. Being a follower is even harder. To follow him and HIS ways when it feels like HE has forgotten you, is at times, almost unbearable. But, you know what? HE stretches you. HE makes me be able to withstand more then I ever thought I could or want to. 

     So the update is we are doing OK. We can always use prayer. We have some interesting business opportunities and would love much prayer in that area as well as, pray for Grandma. That she will find joy and peace each day. 

     God is good all the time. 

The Real Me?

     My reaction when someone I know or don't know makes a statement as to who they think I am, or how I am, always seems to throw me for a loop. Even if it is a positive statement. Although, many times if something gets back to you through a gossip mill it is not as often flattering as it is unflattering.
I will stop and take pause when I hear one of these statements. And they can come from strangers, friends, co-workers, the checkout lady at your favorite store, or even family members (near or far). We all make judgements about people. We base them on many different things. We base them on a one time event that won't leave our mind or offended us. Or we will base these beliefs on something someone once said about that person. HA Maybe even on the way their dressed one time or all the time. Maybe on how often they mow their lawn, or shave their legs. Seriously, we make a decision on a persons whole being on the strangest things. True, it is a small portion of who they are sometimes. I mean if someone is mowing their lawn 2 times a week they are a conscientious person or maybe you see it as overboard.
     Why do I become shocked by others reactions to me? Well, when it is what I believe to be erroneous, it can be hurtful and frustrating. I mean, come on, I'm putting my best foot forward here. How could you see anything but, that? Am I right!? That brings me to an interesting point, masks, persona's, what we show to the rest of the world. What we show is not the whole truth. We show what we want others to see. Like a Chameleon. We show the colors we want to show to those we are with. To my girlfriends, I might show a fun loving, silly person that loves to hang out. To my church and those around me, I might show my best face. Proper, polite, etc. To my homeschool group I might show confidence and strength, resolution and leadership qualities. To my co-op group I might show how busy and frazzled I am so they don't ask me for too much. To family; well, that is a whole other ball of wax. To my kids I show ability, strength, security, servant hood, etc. And extended family all get something different based on who they are and who they talk to or how often we see them.
     In school, I was very shy. By the time I got to high school, I was extremely self conscious and uncomfortable in my own skin (because you know at 110 pounds I was pretty heavy. sarcasm). So, I dressed nice; skirts and nice shoes, even heels. I stood as straight as I could remember to stand (because my mom had told me a million and one times that I slouched) and looked straight ahead (years of practicing walking with books on my head for said slouching). And yet, still very quiet for the most part. At least that is what most of the boys saw and those I didn't know, upper class man, etc. I heard through the rumor mill that boys called me the Ice Queen. Beautiful and cold. That was what THEY said. Not me. Wow. That was hard to take. But, my quietness wasn't a snub but, a defense mechanism. High school boys don't get that.  Now I was different with my girlfriends. Loud, and laughing a lot. Making jokes and eating real food. OK truth, I was even known to allow a belch or two to escape my lips. (I was really good at it. Embarrassing to say that now but, it is true. My teenage boys can be quite impressed at times. Yes, a true talent! SSSHHHH!) Ice Queen to Belch Queen. Come on. Which one was I? What was anyone to think if I never showed my whole self?
     I recently had someone tell me that they knew someone that thought I was a saint. I was so good, never did anything wrong. HUH? Really? O.K. I don't drink, I don't smoke, ( Goody, goody two shoes. ) I don't sleep around, I dress modestly, but, saint I am far from. And I don't think myself as one either. What makes someone a saint in one persons eyes makes that same person, pious and self righteous in anothers. And I've had others say that. But, these are people that don't KNOW me. In fact I either have not met them or haven't seen them in years. They are hearing from others what they want to pick out to hear. Or they already have an opinion and are putting on those opinion of me glasses while I speak to them.
     Opinion glasses? You have those. The not rose colored glasses but, the anticipation of how or what someone will say about something before they say it. Whenever I have had to speak in front of a group of people or do an interview for something I literally pray before I go that God will put rose colored glasses on the person or persons I am speaking with. That they will see me in a favorable light. I don't know if that is biblical but, I know that the devil does the opposite. Whisper wickedness in peoples ears about others, so God may as well speak the good.
     Am I saying that we need to remove our masks and let it all hang out with everyone in every situation? No. Please no. Please keep on your mask for certain things and share that with only special people. You don't need me to burp the ABC's in church. And I don't want to smell you, the real you. But, maybe we need to all be more generous with our assessments of each other. Realize that we are all people with faults and gifts and talents and habits. We all have strengths and weaknesses.
     Also, think about what you are showing others. Are you showing the "bad girl image" or the scared little girl? Are you showing your victim ways so that others will take care of you or pay attention to you? Well, is that really all you are? Where is the strength you have in Jesus? On the opposite side of the coin, do you always show the all put together mask? The one that tells people you have it all together and never need help or a hug? Are you that person? Where is your humility in Jesus? In our weakness He will be made strong. We all know that neither of these masks are the whole truth. Let's all show a little compassion when making judgements on others and know that what you see and what is there in front of you, is not the whole story.
     And for those people that think I'm perfect or self righteous or even have it all together: give me some grace. Burping is not the worst thing I have done or will do. It's just the most startling in this moment, not in life. I have never lived in your shoes and you have not lived mine. Both of us have our defenses up and our masks on. As is society. Don't listen to others about who I am. Ask me. Or talk to me. Or at least talk to more then one person about me.
     And if you pass me in the parking lot somewhere and my hair is in it's typical ponytail and I have wrinkled clothes and a bit of (hopefully) mud on my leg and the mascara is running a bit under my eyes- be kind with your thoughts. I may have just been milking goats, or dancing wildly with my 4 year old daughter in the garden.  I will try to be as kind to you if I see you in similar attire.