God's Love And My Anger.

     I have tried to write this post several times. There are so many reasons why it has been difficult, only a few of which could I even post in a public forum. So, I am going to attempt this one last time. If it doesn't work, I am going to put the subject to rest. Then it means that it is too private to share.

     As I have posted before, my family moved to TN to move in and help out my grandmother. She lives on a big farm with a large house, by herself. She was showing some real signs of Dementia and needed someone there with her full time. So, after much prayer (that was actually several years of prayer) and several things lined up to show us that we needed to go, we went. We packed up what we could fit in a trailer and the rest we gave away. We truly felt God calling us for so many reasons. Not only to help my Grandmother but, to live a different life, to try some dreams we had held (my husband and I ) since we had been married, to let the children see and experience a different way of living, to have my children get to know my grandmother before it was too late, as well as many other family members and to appreciate and understand that we love and care for all family.
     The total time we were there was about 7 months. In that time so many things occurred. My children grew and flourished like I could never have imagined physically. They matured and learned so many things we could never have taught them here in Orange County, CA. Between raising goats, and attempting a garden, learning to do real yard work (seriously hard labor), how to drive an old beat up farm truck with the gears on the tree (the same one my brothers and boy cousins all learned to drive on), wildlife and how to deal with them without calling animal control. Death of an animal. Loving and training animals. They met new family they had never known was there. They learned to navigate an elderly woman with a nasty temper but, who is also quite childlike many times, that thought ice cream makes all things better. They learned that all churches and peoples ideas of God and how to worship and serve Him was different. They learned that healthy food really is better. And you really can get sick of fast food to the point of craving healthy veggies and fish. They learned to climb trees and swing from the branches. They learned that mud squished between toes is an amazing feeling. They learned that if they were really patient the donkey and even the goats would give them a little ride. They learned that running everywhere was exhilarating and that playing outside without an adult having to keep constant vigilant watch over them was amazing freedom. They learned to entertain themselves without T.V. or video games. They learned to catch crawdads and even what one was. They learned there are an amazing amount of bugs in TN and that there are hardly any bugs in CA worth worrying about. One of my children learned he is severally allergic to many of those bugs. We all learned that a small hole in the ground was to be avoided at all cost (poor Greg and the swarm of hornets!) We learned how to kill a snake and then why some were actually good, even if they creep Dad out. They learned how to fire a gun and how scary and powerful guns really are. They learned that people (kids) from small towns can be as snobby as kids from Orange County. That teenagers are cliche-ish everywhere. One of my children got his first job and learned how rewarding that can be.
     Sadly, all of us learned that Dementia is a cruel disease. That it hurts the person it is in but, that it really hurts so many of the ones that person loves, as well. We learned treating all people with humility and respect are so important. Even when the other person or people aren't nice or respectful to us. That Jesus was kind and He loved those people, even those that hated Him and a glimpse of just how hard that must have been. We learned that you must love someone and tell them that everyday. Whenever you leave from each other you tell them you love them and hug them. You never know when it will be the last time you see them or the last time they know who you are. We learned that just because someone was related to you by blood doesn't mean they love you, or care what you think, or even think about you. (This was an even harder lesson for me then anyone.) We learned that some people that aren't even related to you may love you much more then some you share blood with. We learned that one persons actions in one short period of time can affect not just that person, but a whole group of family and people for several generations-whether for good or bad. (Also, a terrible and hard lesson for me, but also a shockingly positive one too).  We learned that what a person can spend a life time building can by broken down much quicker then it took to build and the opposite too. You don't have to repeat the same life your family did. You don't have to behave the way that others tell you you should. We don't have to live the words that others have put on us. Lost things can be found and have great meaning. That lost people can too.
     So we learned all of that and so much more. Then we came home......



     God had called us to TN to teach us so many things that He wanted and needed us to learn. Then He allowed us to come home. And know that this was home. (This was also a terribly hard lesson).  We know that God has a plan that is so much bigger then we are. We know that sometimes we could never grasp that whole plan and that is why He gives us snippets instead of showing us the whole story.
     I left TN so very angry with God. I know this is a shocking statement to many. It is a shocking statement to me as well. I have lived my life trying to just accept whatever happens, because I know HE knows best. My family has had MANY trials over the life of this marriage, and as hard as they all were to accept I always just would give in knowing He loved me and wanted the best. Don't get me wrong, there have been many times I have cried out in the night screaming WHY!? but, I always was able to give in. This time, ..... I was furious. I was livid and sick. Literally, I had become sick with sadness, disappointment, confusion, and just plan heartache. Hopes, dreams, ideas, and beliefs-all thrown away. I still totally believed in God and knew He was in control but, I was angry at why and how and what He was doing.
     I am slowly getting over some of it. I still am working through other parts, but, the anger is slowly subsiding and now I believe I am going to go through the phases of mourning. Mourning so much. So many things. But, He is in control and wants the best for my family and me. I am trying to give in to this and take time to heal. Take time to regroup and love my family. Let them feel how much I appreciate each one of them.
     A few things I have learned is that my husband is an amazing man with a huge capacity for love, patience and strength. I also learned that he loves me and our children so much more then I could have ever imagined. I also learned that my children are seriously adaptable and they are able to love some very unlovable people. Also, the strength they all have was so neat to see but, my favorite was  how they would all stand up for and care for each other.
     As much as this post leaves others that haven't spent the time with us in our journey with more questions it did serve to give me a place to let some of this out. I am sure as healing comes, so will posts.
     So if you are getting tired of my posts on FaceBook about the beauty and my gratitude for living here in CA, know that I truly am just that-Grateful. And more then that, I am truly blessed by a God that does love me, even when I am so angry at Him.
     As I close this I will end with the verse that seems to have overshadowed our return to CA.


"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the POWER of the Holy Spirit."
Romans 15:13
(emphasis is mine).

A Wedding Gift (this one was written awhile ago and forgotten. So, I'll post it now just because. )

            So, a very sweet cousin of mine just got married. She is one of those people that you just want to be around. Smiling, vivacious, and beautiful. People can't help but notice her when she walks in the room. She is quite tall and striking. But, I'm writing because she is a newlywed. She is a new wife. Someday hopefully, a mama. She will be running a household. Her job will be extensive as those of us that have already taken on this job know.
            I am late with my gift because I have really wanted to get a gift that would be used and remembered. One that she would actually use. She will be living in Nicaragua for the first bit of her marriage. She is a missionary and now she is bringing her sweet new husband with her. So you can see my dilimna in that she won't be bringing all of the normal wedding gifts with her. Blenders, toasters, china, it will all be packed away in her parents attic until they return from their mission trip is over. I wanted to give her something she could use now.
            So, what have I decided on, you ask. Advice. I know, go ahead and groan. I'm no expert. I didn't go to college to be a marriage counselor. But, I am blessed with a marriage that I am so happy to be in everyday still. There aren't days that I wake up wishing I were somewhere else. Now that doesn't mean everything is always just the way I wish. No while my darling daughter threw up on my foot and all over the floor this morning, laying on a beach in Hawaii with a sweet iced tea, with an umbrella in my hand sounded divine. But, that is normal. It also doesn't mean that nothing bad has ever happened in our married time together. No in fact there are days I think we are getting more then our share of stressful, difficult times. Money troubles, horribly ill children, bedrest for months, family crisis, and so much more. But, it is those times over the almost 20 years that have brought us closer and love each other more.
              I will tell you that my husband and I have been together for 22 years this next Christmas. We have been married for 19 this July. I love him more then I did on that July afternoon 19 years ago and he is very truly my best friend.
              First, I ordered some books that I think are great for starting a marriage. A blank book to keep a "household book" as they used to call it in the old days. Or to journal ideas and advice. Recipes. Gathering of ideas on how to do something special for someone. The front says, "We remember moments  not days."I think that is so appropriate. It is true.
             Other books I ordered for her are: 1001 Ways to be romantic . I bought this book when we were getting married. I have used it many times over the years, not only for us and building our relationship but, for getting especially extra special gifts for anyone that you want to make an impression on. All of the ideas are different and out of the ordinary. He teaches you that romantic just means that you thought about that person and you know them, and think that what they say is important enough to remember. Who doesn't want a gift like that. Also, no matter how much time goes by, or how many kids you have, or what house or city you live in, it is essential that you always remember that you married him for a reason. That he married you for his own reasons. Remember that the marriage is the first thing to nurture. Not the kids and not everyone else in the families emotions.
             I got her two books on celebrating traditions. Celebrating the Christian year , and Celebrations that touch the heart are both books to help you come up with some fun traditions to start in your family. Both from a Christian point of view. I believe traditions can be super grounding. A way to pull the family in together. If you hear or kids that lived through very difficult lives growing up, it always seems to be the "traditions" that their family did that they clung to. That may sound weird but if a child that doesn't grow up with overwhelming love and joy and Christ in their life and those moments made them feel good and able to make it through another day, then what more can it do for our families?
             A Christmas memory book with their name on it. I bought one for Greg and I our first Christmas and we have been writing in it every year. We put in a picture and the card we sent. It is great to look back and see how God has blessed us from year to year.
             The Encyclopedia of Modern Cooking, I use mine to find interesting and new (old) recipes to share with my family. Why is this important? Because food/flavors is associated with memories. And Food is a good way to start traditions. My family growing up always made certain foods to go with particular holidays. I have continued some and added some of our own. Also, family comes back to the dinner table. It is good for us to eat together, break bread together. The dinner table is the place that as they grow up and move out we can still get them to come to and eat. And if they have a good memory attached to a particular food even better. Eating times should be associated with enjoyable moments.
             The Red Plate: we use this each night at dinner. We rotate who gets it. When you get it each person at the table has to tell you why you are special today. This not only teaches us to give and receive compliments (it's funny how we have had visitors come to dinner and they don't want the red plate because they don't know how to take a compliment. ) But, you also stop and think what happened that day, with that person. This helps us not take each other for granted. Did he wash your car today? Did she scrub the floor? Or Did they work so hard today for someone else and you noticed how hard they worked. It feels good to have someone say that they noticed.
             The package is sealed up now so I think that was all of it. I hope they like the gift. It is much work to locate each piece but, a well thought our marriage is going to be nurtured and thought of . Our marriages need to be thought of and purposely cared for. You can't get married and think that is the end of it. It keeps going. And the more people involved the harder it can become to nurture your own marriage. Whether it is a mother in law or a sister or children that come later. All will try to pull your attention away from your marriage. And many times we have the attitude that it will always be there. That now that the ceremony is over you can file it and put it on the back burner. Your marriage should always be on the front burner. Next to your relationship with God.
             O.K. the box is ready to send and my soap box is over. Thanks for taking the time to read this today. I hope it blessed you in some way.

An Adventure Of A Lifetime!

Is this the most exciting thing you can think of to do?

            




           Today I celebrated being married to the man of my dreams for 18 years. (I wrote this last summer. It got buried. Thought I'd go ahead and push it through). He and I have been together for 20 years. Half of my life. Over the last half of my life I have gained much; money, debt, new cars, old cars, big houses, little condos, gray hair, a "comfortable" body, jewelry, collectibles, Tupperware, books, love, Lots, and lots of love, children, family, friends, jobs, skills, relationships, scars, sadness, joy, pure simple joy, laughter, so much laughter I have wet my pants, tears, wounds, pain, elation, and so much more than I could ever write or share with anyone. The term we have used for years to describe our life together has been an adventure. Adventure defined in the dictionary:

ad·ven·ture

noun /adˈvenCHər/  /əd-/  An unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity Daring and exciting activity calling for enterprise and enthusiasm

verb /adˈvenCHər/  /əd-/  Engage in hazardous and exciting activity, esp. the exploration of unknown territory Put (something, esp. money or one's life) at risk

Let's see according to the list I made above, I think our life together qualifies as an 
adventure. I never thought of a marriage as anything really very exciting before but, I think that is because I believed the bologna that I was taught by society.  Funny, most movies are full of the lies that tell young men and women and actually old ones too, that marriage is a sell out. It is the boring life. Men, you will never have fun again. Sex will be monotonous, and with the same woman for the rest of your LIFE!! Never will you be able to be you, and hang out with your friends. Ladies, we will be bored, and taken advantage of. We will turn into hags. NO, OUR MOTHERS!! The horror!! All I have to say is, marriage isn't for sissies. It is a serious endeavor that takes huge sacrifice, and humility. But, if played out right, you will have the ride of your life. 
           Humility. That word can strike fear in the meekest of us. Humility is the opposite of pride. Pride. Men, we know where you stand on Pride. I just need to put down a few names and we get the idea, right? John Wayne. Daniel Boone. Clint Eastwood. You get the picture. Strong, tough, shoot now ask questions later. Women, all I need to do is show what the other definition of pride is. All of  the female lions in a male lions harem. Well, we all know who hunts and takes care of everything. The female lion. The male is there to share in the kill and have his fun. Pride. I am woman hear me ROAR. This is the picture that the ERA would love to have you paint. 
             Look at the definition of adventure again. The number one listed is:
1."An unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity"
A happy marriage in this day, seems to be unusual. At least that is what we are told. Exciting? Well, there have been days that I have left teeth marks in my seat. Most people ride roller coasters. I gave those up when I got married. Typically hazardous? Well, I wasn't kidding when I say I have scars. The silliest scar, is from falling into the fake Christmas tree trying to hang the last ornament and fell into the tree. All I wanted was to have the perfect tree for our family to enjoy. Broke the ornament and the tree. The ornament shattered (it was the kind of ornament my husband likes.) and dug into my arm. I still have the scar and that was at least 6 years ago. Most difficult scars? Having children. We all know there are ugly scars on many of us moms bodies. Some very visible, others in places only are dear husbands see. That fulfills the first definition listed. 
               Second part of the definition:
2."Daring and exciting activity calling for enterprise and enthusiasm"
Having had lots of money and then not...that calls for someone to become very enterprising. Especially when there are 6 mouths to feed. And for him, no jobs. Anywhere. We have been called on to be enterprising. Resourceful is another way to say that. 
Enthusiasm. It must be called on to continue the momentum that is needed to keep a marriage rolling. Even when the terrain to be rolled on is uphill. Like a cheerleader we both had to become. For our relationship as husband and wife, as friends, and as parents. 
                 When it says; "the exploration of unknown territory," you have to know that in order to have a different kind of marriage then we had ever seen, in order to be all that we knew we could be fore each other, there was totally unknown territory. Being put through trials that we have been put through; one of us seriously ill, fatally sick child, bed rest for 5 months, with the belief that it was probably not going to turn out good anyway (it did though), loosing everything, and all of the roadblocks in the middle of those "highlights", we had never seen or done anything like it. This was new territory.
                 And the last part, "Put (something, esp. money or one's life) at risk." I'm laughing in the face of those that say that marriage is boring. Mine has NEVER been boring. I just shared a few of the exciting parts. Putting money at risk? Been there, done that. One's life at risk? Yep, there too. When I was on bed rest, I was told that they would be watching closely to the stats because I could bleed out at any minute and both I and the baby would die. Pretty monotonous stuff, huh? 
                 Through all of the ups and downs, corkscrews, and loopty loos, you have two choices: hold on with everything you got and pray or give up. Run, screaming for the hills. Yelling, it's just too hard.
                 Hard? Maybe. Monotonous? I don't think so. So I ask, will you go on an adventure that is full of smaller excursions on the way or will you be a sissy and give up at the smallest skirmish? Come on put on your big girl panties and throw your arms up in the air and scream with delight through all that life throws at you. What you get through as a couple will make your relationship stronger and your character more complete. 
             
           

What Brings Joy in Your Day?!

          

           First, this could get a little PG rated so, if you're not married or under age maybe you might want to wait to read my next post. Sorry, had to add the disclaimer. 
             So, I was thinking about my days. How there seems to be chaos, and busyness all day long. Well, really often even into the night. My daily responsibilities are quite numerous. To name just a few on a regular, mellow day (of which there is never one of those). 

1. Getting everyone up on time
2. prodding on the dressing and chore time
3. bathing and dressing not only myself, but the 2 "littles"
4. making beds
5. cleaning up
6. breakfast
7. DISHES
8. clean-up anything else in the way for lessons
9. lessons
10. refereeing squabbles
11. encouraging
12. laundry
13. planning meals
14. grocery shopping
15. vacuuming 
16. potty patrol (2 year old still needs to be reminded to go)
17. sweeping
18. fielding any phone calls
19. calendar juggling
20. taxi driver to get to appointments and classes on time
21. time keeper
22. floors to wash
23. bathrooms to clean (showers, etc)
24. wiping noses, faces, and anything else that needs to be wiped
25. Lunch
26. DISHES
27. prepare dinner
28. get everyone ready to come in and eat
29. encourage them all to eat said HEALTHY meal
30. DISHES
31. cleanup 
32. bathes
33. p.j.s
34. stories
35. potty monitor
36. booty wiper
37. bedtime tyrant
38. Vitamin giver and watcher that they take them.
39. meanie that makes all stay in bed!

             I really could go on and on. Let me tell you, there is so much left out. Not to mention the surprises that I am always blessed with everyday. I will enlighten you a little on a few examples of those little interruptions blessings I get through the day. 

1. Potty training. That we poop in the potty. Not the floor.
2. bumped heads, arms, noses, legs, toes, and more
3. band aids!
4. unexpected visitors
5. dawdling
6. disagreements
7. leaking garbage disposals
8. weird smells
9. spilled food, drinks, soap, ice, toys, etc. on the floor to clean
10. markers (do I need to say anymore) 
11. toilet paper rolls-totally unrolled
12. tu-tu's getting caught
13. fingers stuck in various holes
14. odd objects in noses
15. things missing that were possibly swallowed. Or not

             I think you get the idea. I don't live a quiet and serene life. When I quit work while pregnant with my first son, my boss said she would keep my job available for awhile for when I got bored and wanted to come back..
UMMM.... REALLY?!
It's been almost 14 years since he was born (WOW I didn't realize I had one that old!!) and I don't think I have had a moment of boredom since then. NOPE. No boring days. I can truly say that. And really mean it. 


            Now, back to the title of this post. What brings joy into your crazy, busy days? What things give you that stranded on a beautiful white beach in the middle of nowhere with all of the comforts you couldn't live without, moment?
I truly thought about this as I hear new moms and new brides that look at my busy life of a husband, and 4 kids and homeschooling and they say, "No WAY! How do you do it? How do you not loose yourself? How do you find "ME" time? How does your husband still know you love him? How do you still know he loves you?!!" (First, we all know I have issues with ME time. So, we'll leave that one alone. )
                 So, here is my top list of what gives me my joy.

1. SWEET TEA (you knew that was coming. RIGHT?)
2. chocolate
3. a cold day, with homemade soup on the stove. And a glimpse of my children all getting along. For a moment.
4. T.V. time in the evening with my husband (that is our dates)
5. Early bedtimes for the kids
6. NOONERS!
7. talking on the phone with my childhood friend while we both clean up the kitchen in our homes
8. Laughter
9. reading the Bible first thing in the morning out loud with my husband before anyone else gets up.
10. playing games with my family
11. Oh and did I mention a little AFTERNOON DELIGHT
12. OOPS and Sweet tea

          I wonder if you notice a few patterns. First, I do a lot of dishes and cook tons...
Also, I love sweet tea (no surprise) and I love my husband. Those moments that I listed in the last list, are what brings my day joy. When I realize that I'm not feeling too joyful and I'm more grouchy then pleasant, I need to find one of those things on my brings joy list to do. It means I have gotten sucked into the "have to's" and the the vortex of busyness.
Yes ladies, I know we are busy and tired and stretched to our limit. It seems so much easier and less trouble to reach for the chocolate, a latte, or a sweet tea but, if we are truly looking for refreshing moment, actually a little flustering moment, take a moment with your Honey. Nowhere in the Bible does it say to delight in your latte. It does say to delight in each other.  Proverbs 5:18 says- May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
         Yea, it really says that. So, in case you have forgotten, You used to delight in him often. Before kids. Before dishes. Before poop on the floor. Remember how you would get so excited about seeing him before you were married? Now when he walks in the door, do you stop. Do you even acknowledge that he is home? Do you go out of your way to do the special little things he likes? Get him that special treat from the store? He is the one that used to bring you joy in the middle of your day. Is he still?


         Also, if you haven't read Song of Solomon (some Bibles call it Song of Songs) lately, go for it. Actually, try reading it out loud to your husband. You might be surprised what is in there. Now that you are an adult and are able to really experience all that he says in the book. Go for it. Have a little joy in the afternoon. 

Sharing my love one glass of tea at a time.

Tea=Love

            My family has kid's small group at church once a week. The whole family is involved. We each are either in a class learning or working as a teacher. Except little girl who is basically a mascot. Well, I have a dear friend that is so precious to me and I try to do little things to make her day. Send her a sweet text, a fun e-mail card or a glass of sweet tea whenever I come by the church and she is working. She works a lot. And the tea just makes her happy (see why we are friends?!). Tonight I had a big cup left from a drink I got at a fast food place. I washed it and filled it with crushed ice and lots of tea. She was thrilled to get it. This is a long day for her. We all know tea is a great pick me up.
              Well, I guess I am not so popular with other staffers now. Word got out that I brought her homemade sweet tea and it got a little ugly (not really ugly ). One lady asked my friend for a "sip" then didn't want to give the cup back. Another staffer says, "Well, you know where I am from. Where is mine?" I didn't know he was from Texas. Dude, you don't have a drawl and you were flip flops. Everyday. How am I supposed to know. I am truly sorry I have excluded so many. I think it made my friend a little giddy that she was in possession of something so truly sought after and it meant someone loved her. (We all understand that food = love. In this case Tea = love).
              My dear friends and co-leaders of Kid's Small Group, I will be bringing a gallon jug next week. Do you think one will be enough? I don't want anyone to feel unloved so, I will make that small gesture.
              Who can you show a little love to and share a glass of sweet tea? You will be surprised how it will make people smile.